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September 17, 2018

Pantless Accusations

Jason just kills me. I'm sitting next to him on the couch trying to write, and suddenly he looked at me with an accusatory expression on his face.

Him:  What are you doing?
Me: What's with that look on your face?
Him: How do you mean?
Me: It's like you're accusing me of something.

(Jason resumes watching wrestling. Then suddenly...)

Him: Where are your pants?
Me: Why do you care?
Him: If I was sitting there on my laptop without my pants on, it would look like I was up to something. 

September 16, 2018

Wi-Fight the Urge

I can't help it. It's been a week, so I changed the Wi-Fi again. Whoever Crownuke is, I hope they appreciate the delightfulness I bring to their lives. 

September 14, 2018

Myrtle Beached

Three weeks ago, we were hanging out where Hurricane Florence is now. Or as I like to (tastelessly) say, it's always stormy when Aunt Flow comes to town. Since I'm new to the East Coast, I wanted to go somewhere Jason also hasn't been, so I chose Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
Welcome, fat and cheap tourists.
We got an Airbnb with beach access, but it only had two bedrooms, so Jason's older kids had to share a room while Jason slept on the couch, due to his naked sleeping gymnastics.

I don't know how Jason sleeps through all the crazy things he does. I especially don't know why he doesn't wear clothes. Even when I've demanded he put underwear on because he's in the living room and not invisible, he just takes it off in his sleep. At home, he has his own sofa, and on more than one occasion, I've found him sitting upright on the floor naked, in the middle of putting a shoe on. The other day, he was on his hands and knees with his head buried in the couch, fast asleep, and the baby went over and played the bongos on his butt.

Regardless, of the tight quarters, we had a wonderful vacation. Our condo had a baby pool for Zach, so I got a lot of opportunities to show him off in his shark outfit, which Jason bought during the excitement of Shark Week.  
I caught a predator
Jason's older kids, Kira (12 years old) and Ben (10 years old), are so extraordinarily well-behaved and thankful. Zach loves them and they love him, which brings me such joy. They live with their mom, and I give her props on her parenting. In fact, since I don't have my own mom anymore, she's the one I turn to with my parenting questions. My only complaint is that she's really pretty, like I'm surprised she isn't a model. When Jason showed me her picture before I met everyone, my response was, "Dammit."
Laura clearly doesn't shop at Whales. 
Our typical day on vacation was going to the beach, pool, Cook Out, and playing Apples to Apples. I knew about Cook Out from the last time I was in the South, and we got hooked on it. The bill for all of us came to about $20. Our drinks were free because I asked for water, and they handed me four cups. Either they were unaware that the water tab was broken off, or they expected us to fill our cups in the bathroom. Instead, we filled them up with Cheerwine, a popular Southern cherry cola. In retrospect, that probably wasn't my most ethical decision.

One of our days was devoted to all the Ripley's activities. We did the Aquarium, haunted lazer tag, 5D theater, 3D mirror maze, and the odditorium. This was my favorite day. Their favorite day was going on a ghost tour of the Old Jail in Charleston. I thought it was a history tour and got a ticket, but then found out that history tours to haunted places aren't usually at night. Our tour guide recommended I take the baby and wait outside, and Zach wholeheartedly agreed because he began trying to turn around as soon as we entered the prison yard. An hour later, Jason and the kids reappeared, and Jason said that in the stairwell, he heard a baby laugh, and on his phone, it flashed "I will not rehab." I can guarantee, it wasn't Zach he heard.
Call me biased, but I think Zach is a cuter shark.
Our last night, I told Jason to take a nap in the bedroom before driving back. We decided to leave late at night instead of having to wake up early. Ben kept asking every few minutes if he could wake him up, and I kept distracting him with stuff to pack. Finally I said, fine, he could wake him, and Ben went into the bedroom, yelled, "AHHH!" and abruptly turned around and ran back into the kitchen. Kira wanted to know what the fuss was about, and walked into the bedroom right after him, then also ran right out. Jason had taken his clothes off and the covers had fallen off. 

About ten minutes later, I found Jason in the kitchen shaking his head.  Kira said that since she has two little brothers, she knows what male anatomy looks like, and therefore isn't scarred for life. Not to be outdone, Ben claimed he knows what female anatomy looks like, and Kira called his bluff, insisting he draw a vagina. He drew Spongebob. Then he tried again and drew a doughnut. 
Nailed it.
On the way back, we stopped at the Mayberry Inn so that Jason could smoke in the Gazebo. Years ago, when he and Laura were together, they went there with her mom, and her mom and her friend spent all night chatting in the gazebo. All Jason wanted to do was have a cigarette in it.
The Gazebo.
Glad I can make his wildest dreams come true.
The reception area/gift shop said that they didn't have a public toilet, so I left them a poor review on Google. They're a tourist attraction in the middle of nowhere with at least a dozen toilets.
I would have bought something had they let me pee.
When we got back, Google asked me to give a review of a Baptist church that I allegedly went to at 2:30am. Actually, I visited the field next to it because I had to pee, so I think I'll give them a good review.

We also came across a small, possibly racist town in between North and South Carolina called South of the Border.
Which I also gave five stars because I peed in a parking lot.

September 10, 2018

Eastern Penisylvania

My mom loved traveling and wanted me to see the world, so when we get the opportunity, Jason and I take little trips. Last June we drove out to Amish country in Eastern, Pennsylvania. Instead of sleeping in the car like a normal baby, Zach cried the entire way, turning a four and a half hour trip into a seven hour one.   
My BFF took the train down and finally got to meet Jason and Zach. Upon seeing her and basking in her aura of wonderfulness, Zach was exhausted from ruining our drive and burst into tears. I used to pride myself on Zach not being one of "those" babies who cries when he meets people, thus making them question the state of their souls. Not your finest hour, Zach.
If you're wondering how the Amish bakery was, we don't know. That's not why we were down there. As Jason asked, "You wanted to visit Amish Country to take pictures of signs?" Yes. Yes we did.

It would be rude to say no.
Don't worry, they didn't have to change the name after we left.
That night for dinner, Jason wanted Chinese food. The only place near our hotel was Tony Wangs, which clearly has the best Chinese food. Giant signs can't lie. Too bad it was closed.
I thought it said "Tiny Wangs" at first.
If you're wondering if Wangs is in Intercourse, the answer is no. It goes without saying that it's not in Blue Balls. It's in Lancaster, which should clearly be called "Lancastrated." 

September 9, 2018

Wi-Fi Must I?

Our neighbor "Crownuke" needs to realize that there's a comedy genius nearby, so I changed our Wi-Fi network names again.