Posts

Funnymoon: Nemacolin

Image
Our first minimoon was at the Nemacolin resort in Southwestern Pennsylvania. I chose it because we had passed it on a trip to Maryland, and Jason asked, “What’s that place there?” I took that to mean that he was impressed, but in actuality, he was trying to remember if it was somewhere he had played golf. Nemacolin: Where Jason May or May Not Have Once Played Golf My first thought when we pulled up was, “I regret not going through a carwash first.” However, the valet was professional and didn’t write “Wash me” on the back of our Equinox. When we got to the room, there was a bottle of champagne to congratulate us, and I asked if they had something non-alcoholic. They replaced it with sparkling cider, and Jason later went through the menu to discover the vast price difference. To his credit, he doesn’t drink since being with me and never treats my alcoholism like it’s a punishment. The least I could have done was let him drink the $50 bottle of champagne and buy my own $1.50 bott

Funnymoon: Fort Klingensmith

Image
You tried.  Due to limited vacation days, our honeymoon has to be broken up into a few small getaways throughout the year. Our first excursion was over Memorial Day, and along the way, we stopped by Hannastown, where Fort Klingensmith is. "No military force in history could penetrate those walls." -Jason Klingensmith  Jason’s 5th great-grandfather, Johannes, built it with his brother John Peter. They moved to the colonies when they were young and became scouts for General George Washington during the French and Indian War. Eventually, they plopped down about thirty-five miles from where Jason grew up and worked on their farms with the occasional break to impregnate their wives. Zachy happily playing where his foremothers were publicly shamed.  All the Klingensmiths around here can be traced back to Andreas Klingenschmidt who owned a bell factory in Leipzig, Germany in the 16th century.  (Klingen=bell, schmidt=metalsmith) They probably immigrated here to escap

My Shotgun Wedding

Image
Reverend Dr. J Dentist, wedding officiant, Tombstone tour guide, and his favorite movie is also Office Space. Office Space is supposedly my husband’s favorite movie, but every other week, I wake up to go to the bathroom and find him passed out on the couch with Tombstone playing. He has every line memorized and likes to remind me that it has the manliest cast of all time. My relationship with the movie is different. I have a fondness for it because I saw it for the first time in detox back in 2007. That was a difficult time, of course, but what I had kept in darkness was now exposed. For the first time, I could talk openly about all the horrible things I’ve done without being judged as a horrible human being. It’s easy for me to forget that a person isn’t an action. We get to decide our actions, and if we feel like we can’t, we can choose to find help until we can. In my experience, when we have compassion without holding others accountable for their behavior, that very vir

Katt Funderland: Lower Education

Image
The now defunct Trump "University" has been reestablished and is now located in Katt Funderland.  In the corner is a student preparing for his final.  "Noooo! Leggo my eggos!"

Kult Funderland

Image
Many years ago, I decorated my mom's snow village and posted pictures. It started out as a prank to see if she would notice the strip club among her cute little houses, and then it took off from there. I inherited them, and now as the matriarch of my own family, I intend to carry on the tradition. This year, it's named Katt Funderland, and here is footage from the local church: That's just common sense.  A month ago, we took a trip to Eastern Kentucky to see where the Hatfield-McCoy feud took place. I later discovered that we were in the area of Appalachia where the snake-handling churches are. There's an evangelical sect where the parishioners dance around with rattlesnakes during the services. The theory is that if they have faith, the snakes won't bite them. (The founder has since died of a snakebite.) That's one way to stop clans from inbreeding. 

The List of the Magi

Image
I'm driving Jason nuts because he wants to know what I want for Christmas, and I have no idea. All he wants is to buy me what I like and see my joyous expression when I open it, and somehow that's asking too much. Instead, I gave him a shopping list with things on it like serving bowls and silver polish, and then made another one of my general interests, which included tropical vacations and British mysteries. Last year, I wrote down what my heart truly desires, and handed him a list of chores. He requested that I refrain from being passive-aggressive this year. Christmas 2017 My main obstacle is that we share finances, so I can't exactly ask that he spend money on me. Then if he comes home one day with a Truckasaurus parked outside, I won't have the leverage to tell him to return it. Then there is the baby issue. There's no point in wanting anything breakable for the next few years. Everything expensive is currently stacked on the highest shelves. However, J

Hallowiener

Image
Decisions are so much easier to make now that I'm with Jason. I try to pick what he likes because not only might it make him happy, it spares me from having to spend days stressing over the unimportant things. No matter how mundane the decision, I am obsessed with finding a way to make everyone happy. Then I spend the rest of the time telling people that they can't make everyone happy and to stop stressing about it. It's true though. There will always be that person who doesn't like a certain food no matter how it's prepared. With kids, it's easier to deal with. You don't like eggs? Then you can't have cookies. They have eggs in them. Grownups are less flexible. They need to be shamed for being uncultured. Unfortunately, there are also people who are proud to be xenophobic and have no problem rudely refusing a meal if it's not staring some kind of meat dish. Then there are the people who, no matter what, say, "It would have been better with