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May 17, 2019

My Shotgun Wedding

Reverend Dr. J
Dentist, wedding officiant, Tombstone tour guide, and his favorite movie is also Office Space.
Office Space is supposedly my husband’s favorite movie, but every other week, I wake up to go to the bathroom and find him passed out on the couch with Tombstone playing. He has every line memorized and likes to remind me that it has the manliest cast of all time.

My relationship with the movie is different. I have a fondness for it because I saw it for the first time in detox back in 2007. That was a difficult time, of course, but what I had kept in darkness was now exposed. For the first time, I could talk openly about all the horrible things I’ve done without being judged as a horrible human being. It’s easy for me to forget that a person isn’t an action. We get to decide our actions, and if we feel like we can’t, we can choose to find help until we can. In my experience, when we have compassion without holding others accountable for their behavior, that very virtue is twisted and used as a weapon against us. Predators feast on people without healthy boundaries.

Back then, I was 26, but no more than a teenager mentally. I wanted to marry and have kids, but life had several more years of character building planned for me. Sometimes it felt like a video game where a level could only be passed by admitting that I was wrong about something I had been adamant about. If you think this prepared me well for marriage, you are correct.

After ten years, and a lot of loss, Jason came along and filled in some of those gaps. My parents had since passed, and he gave me his. They’re good, decent folk. Cliche ‘in-law’ jokes don’t apply to them. I feel appreciated for what I bring to their family. Like most people, I thrive on appreciation.

The package deal included two stepkids and their mom, who has become a dear friend. People may think that’s odd, but she is raising incredible kids and clearly has wisdom to teach. Being a wife and mother can be emotionally confusing, and she’s patient with me  
My father-in-law George, stepdaughter Kira, stepson Ben, and homemade son Zach.
Zach, Kira, Ben, and my mother-in-law Carole hiding
Kira's mom, Laura. I would refer to her as my "sister-in-law" if it didn't imply that she and Jason were siblings. (They're not.) Oddly enough, Laura and I discovered that we are fifth cousins. 

With this backstory painted, it’s easy to see why I married into the Klingensmiths. We intended to marry in a traditional way, but that wasn’t an efficient one. Growing up, I assumed my parents would pay, and it’s easier spending someone else’s money. Trying to plan a wedding without my mother revealed many of my shortcomings. I found myself feeling ashamed for not being as successful as my parents, envious of my siblings, and ungrateful for what I have. That’s not how I want to celebrate our life together, and it's certainly not what my mom would have wanted. She never compared my success to hers because our obstacles were different. Life had given me too much too early; she was proud of my endurance and the lengths I went to transcend hardships. Sometimes not becoming bitter is a high accomplishment, brutally earned.


Our trip to Tombstone had been planned since Christmas, and Jason made an off-the-cuff remark about getting married there if he can dress as Doc Holliday. Later, I Googled "Tombstone Weddings" out of curiosity, and Dr. J and Linda popped up. We called, and for a few hundred dollars, they could marry us like it was the 1800’s. They even specifically asked if Jason wanted to dress as Doc Holliday. This made me Big Nose Kate, his common-law wife. What girl doesn’t dream of dressing up as brothel owner for her big day.
Our wedding venue was Madam Mustache's Olde Time Costume Shoppe. 


Congratulations, Zach! You're legitimized!
No longer a bastard. 
Instead of 'I do', I got to say, "I'm your huckleberry."
After our wedding, we ate wingdings at Big Nose Kate's Saloon, then Jason shot some 19th-century Rugers. 
We assumed that when we returned, I would begin planning the church wedding. I got as far as inquiring into catering prices. People flying across the country for a wedding they secretly don’t want to attend deserve to be fed well. For a decent spread, we could buy a new car. Then it dawned on me that if we have another kid, which we hope to, we need a vehicle with at least six seats. I can forgo a party if it means not being a Disney villain and sticking a stepchild in the trunk.

For the honeymoon, we are breaking it up into several short getaways throughout the year. Jason’s vacation days are already reserved for our two-week family trip to St. Augustine, Florida this summer. I insisted we still make time for a honeymoon. Before my mom passed, she asked me to travel and see the things she couldn't, so in a way, this is a part of my wedding that she can still help me plan. Our first getaway is at Nemacolin over Memorial Day weekend, and I hope to tell you about it when we return.

It felt tacky to create a registry, so I looked up “wedding gifts & elopement” and one of the recommendations was creating a honeymoon fund. If you would like to give a gift, the site is http://paypal.me/funnymoon. If not, that’s expected because we didn’t feed you.

December 10, 2018

Katt Funderland: Lower Education

The now defunct Trump "University" has been reestablished and is now located in Katt Funderland.  In the corner is a student preparing for his final. 
"Noooo! Leggo my eggos!"

December 6, 2018

Kult Funderland

Many years ago, I decorated my mom's snow village and posted pictures. It started out as a prank to see if she would notice the strip club among her cute little houses, and then it took off from there. I inherited them, and now as the matriarch of my own family, I intend to carry on the tradition.

This year, it's named Katt Funderland, and here is footage from the local church:
That's just common sense. 
A month ago, we took a trip to Eastern Kentucky to see where the Hatfield-McCoy feud took place. I later discovered that we were in the area of Appalachia where the snake-handling churches are. There's an evangelical sect where the parishioners dance around with rattlesnakes during the services. The theory is that if they have faith, the snakes won't bite them. (The founder has since died of a snakebite.)
That's one way to stop clans from inbreeding. 

November 30, 2018

The List of the Magi

I'm driving Jason nuts because he wants to know what I want for Christmas, and I have no idea. All he wants is to buy me what I like and see my joyous expression when I open it, and somehow that's asking too much. Instead, I gave him a shopping list with things on it like serving bowls and silver polish, and then made another one of my general interests, which included tropical vacations and British mysteries. Last year, I wrote down what my heart truly desires, and handed him a list of chores. He requested that I refrain from being passive-aggressive this year.
Christmas 2017
My main obstacle is that we share finances, so I can't exactly ask that he spend money on me. Then if he comes home one day with a Truckasaurus parked outside, I won't have the leverage to tell him to return it. Then there is the baby issue. There's no point in wanting anything breakable for the next few years. Everything expensive is currently stacked on the highest shelves.

However, Jason's main obstacle is that not even the safe bets work on me. Earlier, he pointed out that every woman likes bath bombs and lotions except for me. I told him they imply that I stink and have lizard skin. Also, I'm no longer just a woman; I'm a mother. My priorities and needs have changed drastically. Before Zach, I could indulge in luxury, like baths longer than six minutes. I could treat myself because I remembered that I existed. Now what I long for is the nanny from Nanny 911 to come work for free and be willing to sleep in a walk-in closet.
I told Zach Santa isn't coming because his tantrums killed him.

November 3, 2018

Hallowiener

Decisions are so much easier to make now that I'm with Jason. I try to pick what he likes because not only might it make him happy, it spares me from having to spend days stressing over the unimportant things. No matter how mundane the decision, I am obsessed with finding a way to make everyone happy. Then I spend the rest of the time telling people that they can't make everyone happy and to stop stressing about it.

It's true though. There will always be that person who doesn't like a certain food no matter how it's prepared. With kids, it's easier to deal with. You don't like eggs? Then you can't have cookies. They have eggs in them. Grownups are less flexible. They need to be shamed for being uncultured. Unfortunately, there are also people who are proud to be xenophobic and have no problem rudely refusing a meal if it's not staring some kind of meat dish. Then there are the people who, no matter what, say, "It would have been better with..." As I said, it's impossible to please everyone, and some people make sure of it. 

If it truly matters to me, I speak up, like insisting that Jason watch Call the Midwife with me. He did, which is reason enough to marry him. Since then, I usually let him pick what we watch. The only thing I put my foot down about is The Blair Witch Project. Scary movies are too much for me, and just being told the plot of it many years ago gave me nightmares. Jason asks all the time if we can watch it, but I refuse to be worn down. I'm such a wiener that I even got a nightmare from a Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars. 

So for Halloween, I picked out a lion costume for Zach because it's Jason's favorite animal. In fact, this is why he has been a fan of the Detroit Lions since he was a kid. We brought Zach to the Waterfront mall for trick-or-treating because it was free, easy, and fun. Then I insisted we get in line early for the baby costume contest. It never occurred to me that Zach wouldn't win because Zach is clearly the most perfect baby ever. Then as other contestants arrived, I soon realized that I was out of my depth. One baby was half Zach's size and dressed as a turtle. Two kids were mac n' cheese. There were princesses who looked like contestants on Toddlers and Tiaras. Some had elaborate homemade costumes that their parents had clearly spent all week on. I regretted wasting my time in line instead of getting candy.
The costume came with a zebra to snack on.

Zach without the mane was much happier, albeit less adorable.

Sure enough, when they announced the winners, none of them were Zach. Second place was a radio, but I thought they said "rainbow" and screamed to the girl dressed up as one, "YOU WON!!!" only to be politely corrected by the crowd. The winner was a little girl dressed as an angel on a wagon turned into a cloud of feathers. Her dad was in his army fatigues, clearly to tug their hearts. Well played, soldier. 

Later that night, I put my loser baby in his R2-D2 pajamas. I'm going to try and find him a pair every year because his first Halloween costume was R2-D2. 
2 Weeks Old
One Year and Two Weks Old