December 22, 2010

Ten Things That Would Scare Me

1.)  If a snake climbed out of the toilet and bit me in the lady parts. 

2.)  If someone spiked my drink.

3.)  If I found out that my mom and dad were actually brother and sister.  Or sister and uncle.  Or some incestual variation that didn't come with royal inheritance.

4.)  If a dead person climbed out of the casket and started singing, "Hello my baby!  Hello my honey!  Hello my ragtime gal..."

5.)  If someone replaced my butter with a butter substitute and tried to make a dated joke about it without involving Fabio. 

6.)  If robbers broke into the house and the dog bit them instead of my sister. (You read that correctly).

7.)  If the dog's hair was actually a fur coat, and he worked late into the night as a pimp.  

8.)  If it snowed yellow snow and when people peed, it made a white spot.

9.)  If my mom started borrowing my clothes.

10.)  If my snow village came to life and made a miniature town of my life called, "Katmandoodie".    

December 16, 2010

Wiener Wonderland: From Russian with Love

The priest arrives at the Russian Orthodox Church...

This Christmas- enough vodka, borscht, and toilet paper for everyone! 

December 15, 2010

Wiener Wonderland: Breaking News!

The meth lab in Wiener Wonderland just got busted. 

"There's gonna be less 'ice' this Christmas, boys!"

December 11, 2010

My Sister is a Shithead

Where's the toilet paper Carolyn?  I see a toilet, a black hook where the toilet paper goes, but alas, no toilet paper.  

You were the last person to use the bathroom.  Who does that Carolyn?  Seriously, who does that?  Who leaves the next person without toilet paper?  

December 10, 2010

December 9, 2010

Goodbye Yellow Stained Road...

Munch much...what what?

The other day Pivo and I were snuggling on the couch and I was chewing on his ear.  I do that sometimes when I'm trying to make a decision.  We were trying to decide the best way for him to meet his maker.  

See, he bit my sister twice the other night and her hands look like puffer fish.  Usually when he bites her, I give him Snausages but my sister doesn't have insurance and the ER bills are expensive.  

Also, I think his bathroom activity in the house is out of spite.  I noticed that he waits till we're inside before he makes his BMs.  Perhaps it's because he knows I'm plotting his death.

So far we are considering making a snuff film, killing him Dexter style (with pictures of his poop in front of him to see what heinous crimes he has committed), murder/suicide pact, or a blindfolded game of William Tell. 

This probably isn't funny to anyone who loves his/her dog, but Pivo is 9 years old and has bad arthritis.

Oh yeah, and I'm in complete denial.  

December 6, 2010

Things I've Done While People Were Sleeping

I have terrible sleep troubles.  They started when I was around seven, and mom doesn't understand because as a baby, I was her best sleeper.  All I did was eat, sleep, smile and poop.  In fact, I was so good that one day she burst into tears because she assumed that I must be disabled.  

Here are a few things I've done over the years as a creature of the night:

1.)  Painted Mark's toes bright red while he was passed out drunk on my couch in college.  A guy in the dorm showers pointed them out to him the following day.  

2.)  Lifted someone's head, took his pillow, fell asleep, woke up, lifted his head, and returned the pillow.  He woke up complaining of a stiff neck.  

3.)  Put a mullet wig on my sister, took a picture, then posted it on Facebook.  

4.)  Took someone's car keys and borrowed their car without them knowing.  

5.)  Fed a child forbidden ice cream.

6.)  Took a small slice off of each side of the piece of cake they were saving.  

7.)  Rifled through someone's pharmaceuticals.

8.)  Put every decoration in their house in a dirty position.

9.)  Found hidden cookies, candy, booze, etc. and replaced them with a note that said, "Shitty hiding job."  

10.)  Changed then sang a crying baby back to sleep.  Actually, I have done that several times while staying with people, until once I got caught, unaware that the parents could hear me on the baby monitor.  They said that it was the "sweetest thing ever"...even though I called their baby "My Little Birth Control Reminder". 

My sister, dreaming of winning the softball game. 

December 4, 2010

There Goes the Neighborhood...

Look who's talking! 
When my mom asks me to do something, I say, "Yes Linda sir."  She replies, "Call me 'mom'." and I say, "Yes mom sir." and she replies, "You're so weird."  This has been going on for years.

Mom Sir is out of town this weekend which means that it's time for me and my sister to decorate the miniature Christmas village and see how long it takes for her to notice and get offended.  Considering that it doesn't bother her that I call her by her first name and address her as a male, this isn't an easy task.   

Here's this year's plan:

1.)  Train Station is going to be a hobo camp.   

2.)  This year the church is converting from Kabbalah to Scientology.  Tom Cruise, Beck, Dharma, Bart Simpson's Voice and Kirstie Alley are going to be giving a lecture called, "Do You Hear What I Hear?  Unstable Celebrities Speak Out Against Psychiatry".  John Travolta's plane will be parked out back.  

3.)  The firehouse will now be a gay night club called "Smoke n' Poles".  It will be between the town hall, which is hosting gay weddings, and the gay wedding boutique called "Pretty and Witty". 

4.)  The brick building will be a sleazy motel with hourly rates.  One of the porcelain caroler figurines will be looking for a good time.  The maestro will don a fuzzy coat and be holding the money and tiny bag of crack.  Parked out back will be Santa's sled.  (The actual Santa is in the hobo camp in the dining room).   

5.)  The 50's camper trailer will be converted into a quarantined meth lab.    

6.)  The school house will now be a learning annex for air conditioner repair and the bartending academy.  Or else it will be a middle school hosting a production of Dracula (starring my niece Emmalie).  Or else it will be Jesuit High School and I'll be in the parking lot teaching my nerdy friends how to smoke.  

7,)  The house will be a medical clinic.  The proctologist will be Dr. Hugh Jasman.  The urologists will be Dr. Richard Pecker, Dr. William Johnson, Dr. Peter Boehner, and Dr. Woodrow Wiener.  The gynecologist will be Linda Adams CNM. 

8.)  The town hall will be Portland's and the gay marriage licenses are signed between 10am-2pm and medical marijuana cards from 2pm-5pm.  

9.)  The house next door will now be a NYC mosque.  If mom asks me why New York, I'll ask, "Why?  Is it still too close to ground zero?"

10.)  The farm house will be called "Up North" and out back will be tiny crosses for all the beloved pets of my childhood.  

One of the boxcars is going to be smuggling something but I'm not sure if it will be cocaine, Mexican gardeners, or bootlegged Twilight DVDs.   

December 3, 2010

Sexier Pregnant Teenagers

I found out why my blog was so popular in the UK.  Apparently it pops up when "sexy pregnant teenagers" is put into the Google search engine.  Do I really want such a perverted audience?  Let me answer with this:

Here's a picture of the dog dressed up as me in high school:

Someone can't hold his roofies. 

My Dog Used to Be Sexier

People would ask about Pivo and I would tell them, "He's sexy."  They thought that was weird until they would meet him and say, "Indeed!  That's one sexy dog."  He was muscular with long limbs and would stand with his head high, regal looking.  Sometimes when it was windy, his jowls would flap in the wind.  
Old Man Piver
He is nine now which is old for a Great Dane.  I don't want to deal with the uncomfortable emotions of losing him, so I've considered hiring a hit man.  He would sneak into the house while we're away, kill the dog, and dispose of his remains.  Perhaps he can leave the head in my sister's bed while she's sleeping to remind her what happens to snitches.

 I'm thinking that my Christmas card this year should be a picture of us smiling with the caption, "This is Pivo's last Christmas!"  Last year's card was a picture of my sister scowling as my mom used her as a mannequin for a Santa robe she was sewing for my brother.  The caption read, "Merry fucking Christmas.  From, The Adams"

December 1, 2010

The War on Decorating

It's that magical time of year when people bitch and moan about the "war on Christmas".  Personally, I like it because I don't have to decorate what I find morally offensive.  For example:

1.  No manger scenes.  Most of them come with a very WASPy looking baby Jesus.  It's rather unlikely that Jesus was so darling with blond curly hair and dimples.  Remember, Judas had to point him out.  It would have been much easier to say, "He's that dreamboat over there."  So I find Aryan Jesus inaccurate and a symbol of white supremacy.  No manger scene.

2.)  No Santa Claus... I think his name comes from Sinterklaas which is a Dutch version of St. Nicholas (Sint Nicholaas).  He's the patron saint of Amsterdam.  While I like St. Nicholas (after all, he did slap a man for righteousness sake), I spent enough time in Amsterdam not to trust any gift giving.  Do you want your kids ending up with a stocking full of Amstel Light, weed, and trafficked hookers?  Or even worse, those cheesy blue and white, kissing figurines?  Of course not. 

3.)  No snowmen.  Aye, snowmen.  I haven't met one snowman that my sister hasn't stuck a carrot where the wiener should be.  The neighbors are already suspicious of us because we're the only house without lights. 

4.)  No lights.  Decorative lights are a poor example of fiscal responsibility.  Perhaps we should light up the neighborhood with a bonfire of flaming money instead.   

5.)  No trees.  What are the hippies going to hug instead?  I don't want them going after me, getting their patchouli oil and bumper stickers that say "Hooked on chronic works for me!" all over the place.  (Fact:  I actually put that bumper sticker on my first car at seventeen.  Probably while wearing patchouli.)

6.)  No reindeer.  They're foreign imports taking away jobs from our hard-working American deer.  Besides, they don't really fly.  Unless you've had too much eggnog.  

7.)  No eggonog- it's just salmonella in a cup.,  

8.)  No mistletoe.  I always get stuck with the dog.  Now he acts weird around me and won't return my calls.  

9.)  No snowflakes.  They think they're special.  

10.)  Yes to matching family pajamas.  Please Carolyn?  Man we'd look adorable!