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Showing posts from December, 2010

Ten Things That Would Scare Me

1.)  If a snake climbed out of the toilet and bit me in the lady parts.  2.)  If someone spiked my drink. 3.)  If I found out that my mom and dad were actually brother and sister.  Or sister and uncle.  Or some incestual variation that didn't come with royal inheritance. 4.)  If a dead person climbed out of the casket and started singing, "Hello my baby!  Hello my honey!  Hello my ragtime gal..." 5.)  If someone replaced my butter with a butter substitute and tried to make a dated joke about it without involving Fabio.  6.)  If robbers broke into the house and the dog bit them instead of my sister. (You read that correctly). 7.)  If the dog's hair was actually a fur coat, and he worked late into the night as a pimp.   8.)  If it snowed yellow snow and when people peed, it made a white spot. 9.)  If my mom started borrowing my clothes. 10.)  If my snow village came to life and made a miniature town of my life called, "Katmandoo

Wiener Wonderland: From Russian with Love

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The priest arrives at the Russian Orthodox Church... This Christmas- enough vodka, borscht, and toilet paper for everyone! 

Wiener Wonderland: Breaking News!

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The meth lab in Wiener Wonderland just got busted.  "There's gonna be less 'ice' this Christmas, boys!"

The Graceful Gwenn Seemel

My dear friend Gwenn is extraordinary.  http://www.gwennseemel.com/index.php/blog/

My Sister is a Shithead

Where's the toilet paper Carolyn?  I see a toilet, a black hook where the toilet paper goes, but alas, no toilet paper.   You were the last person to use the bathroom.  Who does that Carolyn?  Seriously, who does that?  Who leaves the next person without toilet paper?  

Wiener Wonderland: Ho No!

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...and over at the men's restroom down at the train station: Jingle Balls

Wiener Wonderland: Ho Ho...

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Mom's snow village just got a couple hookers.  Jingle Belles

Goodbye Yellow Stained Road...

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Munch much...what what? The other day Pivo and I were snuggling on the couch and I was chewing on his ear.  I do that sometimes when I'm trying to make a decision.  We were trying to decide the best way for him to meet his maker.   See, he bit my sister twice the other night and her hands look like puffer fish.  Usually when he bites her, I give him Snausages but my sister doesn't have insurance and the ER bills are expensive.   Also, I think his bathroom activity in the house is out of spite.  I noticed that he waits till we're inside before he makes his BMs.  Perhaps it's because he knows I'm plotting his death. So far we are considering making a snuff film, killing him Dexter style (with pictures of his poop in front of him to see what heinous crimes he has committed), murder/suicide pact, or a blindfolded game of William Tell.  This probably isn't funny to anyone who loves his/her dog, but Pivo is 9 years old and has bad arthritis. Oh

Things I've Done While People Were Sleeping

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I have terrible sleep troubles.  They started when I was around seven, and mom doesn't understand because as a baby, I was her best sleeper.  All I did was eat, sleep, smile and poop.  In fact, I was so good that one day she burst into tears because she assumed that I must be disabled.   Here are a few things I've done over the years as a creature of the night: 1.)  Painted Mark's toes bright red while he was passed out drunk on my couch in college.  A guy in the dorm showers pointed them out to him the following day.   2.)  Lifted someone's head, took his pillow, fell asleep, woke up, lifted his head, and returned the pillow.  He woke up complaining of a stiff neck.   3.)  Put a mullet wig on my sister, took a picture, then posted it on Facebook.   4.)  Took someone's car keys and borrowed their car without them knowing.   5.)  Fed a child forbidden ice cream. 6.)  Took a small slice off of each side of the piece of cake they were saving.  

There Goes the Neighborhood...

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Look who's talking!  When my mom asks me to do something, I say, "Yes Linda sir."  She replies, "Call me 'mom'." and I say, "Yes mom sir." and she replies, "You're so weird."  This has been going on for years. Mom Sir is out of town this weekend which means that it's time for me and my sister to decorate the miniature Christmas village and see how long it takes for her to notice and get offended.  Considering that it doesn't bother her that I call her by her first name and address her as a male, this isn't an easy task.    Here's this year's plan: 1.)  Train Station is going to be a hobo camp.    2.)  This year the church is converting from Kabbalah to Scientology.  Tom Cruise, Beck, Dharma, Bart Simpson's Voice and Kirstie Alley are going to be giving a lecture called, "Do You Hear What I Hear?  Unstable Celebrities Speak Out Against Psychiatry".  John Travolta's plane wi

Sexier Pregnant Teenagers

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I found out why my blog was so popular in the UK.  Apparently it pops up when "sexy pregnant teenagers" is put into the Google search engine.  Do I really want such a perverted audience?  Let me answer with this: Here's a picture of the dog dressed up as me in high school: Someone can't hold his roofies. 

My Dog Used to Be Sexier

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People would ask about Pivo and I would tell them, "He's sexy."  They thought that was weird until they would meet him and say, "Indeed!  That's one sexy dog."  He was muscular with long limbs and would stand with his head high, regal looking.  Sometimes when it was windy, his jowls would flap in the wind.   Old Man Piver He is nine now which is old for a Great Dane.  I don't want to deal with the uncomfortable emotions of losing him, so I've considered hiring a hit man.  He would sneak into the house while we're away, kill the dog, and dispose of his remains.  Perhaps he can leave the head in my sister's bed while she's sleeping to remind her what happens to snitches.  I'm thinking that my Christmas card this year should be a picture of us smiling with the caption, "This is Pivo's last Christmas!"  Last year's card was a picture of my sister scowling as my mom used her as a mannequin for a Santa robe

The War on Decorating

It's that magical time of year when people bitch and moan about the "war on Christmas".  Personally, I like it because I don't have to decorate what I find morally offensive.  For example: 1.  No manger scenes.  Most of them come with a very WASPy looking baby Jesus.  It's rather unlikely that Jesus was so darling with blond curly hair and dimples.  Remember, Judas had to point him out.  It would have been much easier to say, "He's that dreamboat over there."  So I find Aryan Jesus inaccurate and a symbol of white supremacy.  No manger scene. 2.)  No Santa Claus... I think his name comes from Sinterklaas which is a Dutch version of St. Nicholas (Sint Nicholaas).  He's the patron saint of Amsterdam.  While I like St. Nicholas (after all, he did slap a man for righteousness sake), I spent enough time in Amsterdam not to trust any gift giving.  Do you want your kids ending up with a stocking full of Amstel Light, weed, and trafficked hookers?