Posts

Showing posts from October, 2009

Wiki-Hair

Image
As I part with my beloved Iggy, he serenades me..."I am the passenger..." I decided that it was silly to spend money on a haircut when I can simply develop a new talent.  So, I went to WikiHow and looked up how to give myself a haircut.  Sure enough, there were instructions.  I'm going for the "outgrown mullet" look these days.

Freshest Catch of the Day!

             Since two friends of me who are both awesome and attractive have profiles on matchmaking websites, I wondered, "Was I a jerk in assuming that all lonely single people are ugly losers?"  This sparked my curiosity and I had to look.         In order to view people, I had to make a profile and they insisted on a snazzy headline.  Since I'm not looking for a good time or the gun show,  I racked my brain for something repulsive.  For extra measure, I added the picture of me eating cheesecake in the morning.        They ended up turning down my profile even though my winning headline was, "Wanna Live With A Mother-In-Law?".      Now I have a dream of creating a bunch of profiles with different horrible headlines to see what kind of weirdos would be interested.  Here are some of my ideas: * It's The Middle Of The Afternoon And I'm Still In My Bathrobe. * I'm On Meds I Shouldn't Get Pregnant On. * I'm Crying While Typing Thi

Too Long for my Twitter Feed

Today I scooped up a wiggly kid and said, "I remember holding you when you were a baby!"  My friend next to me said, "I bet he was easier to hold back then." and I said, "No, he's easier to hold now.  Because I'm sober."

Full of Hot, Filtered Water

People get on my case for not having a "filter" when, indeed, I do have one.  What am I NOT saying?  Mostly it's just correcting people in my head and making zingers that would shame both of us if said out loud.   Here is some stuff I choked back in the past: *Turtles don't give birth, you idiot- they leg eggs.  If it gave birth, it'd have, like, 200 nipples.   *You're not deaf.  I know this because that is not sign language.  That is you flapping your hands around pretending you're signing.  It's about as similar as me pressing a doorbell and saying I'm speaking Vietnamese.  *Your stories now have officially contradicted each other.  So which time were you lying? *Yes you said it, and yes it was mean.  I don't need to defend myself, and if you want hallucinations instead of memories, be my guest, but I'm not going to reason with them.   *It's "between you and me" not "between you and I"!  "