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Showing posts from July, 2015

Pleased to Meet Me!

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Oh, me .  I bought a cheap mandolin.   She needed a name, and I thought, "Who should I name her after?  Who is someone I will always like?"         

Gold Star Lunch

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Wow.  Even I am impressed by today's lunch selection. I just absentmindedly grabbed stuff, and it was when I made a sandwich by folding the warm confetti Eggo over the ice cream, which I had scooped with the dirty spoon next to it on the counter, that I realized the possible reason why I am thirty-five and have never been married.    This is what happens to children whose mothers lie to them and tell them that fruit is a dessert.

Kutt Funny

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A company bought the domain "katfunny" and redirected it to their website.  I would literally rather change my name than buy it back from them.  So I did. Eventually, I just settled on adding an extra "t" to "Katt".  Here were a bunch of other options though: 1.)  Now this one is sweet:   Kàt Funny Their land is cold, but their hearts are warm.   2.  Ooo!  Now it's getting interesting... Kät Funny Technically not untrue... 3.)  ...and a little kinky: Köt Funny It's like Google Translate is a window into my soul.   4.)  Yep, that sounds about right.  Kåt Funny Get the lutefisk- grandma's got the vapours!   5.)  Although this one is more grammatically accurate:   Kåta Funny And I'm not even in a bikini! 6.)  Things make different sounds when they fall in a country of area rugs:   Küt Funny Things that go "plump" in the night. 7.)  And, obviously:    Kut Funny

Katt Serious: A Brief History of My Junkie Butt

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(*My  Twitter  is @kattfunny if you're interested.) WARNING!  This post isn't funny and contains sad topics.  CAUTION!  This is what a drug addict looks like!    Since there is a freshman crowd of readers coming in, let me give you a little background on your darling Katt Funny: My real name is Kathleen Adams.  I was raised in the West Hills of Portland, Oregon, an area which is referenced in the Everclear song "I Will Buy You a New Life".   Jesuit High School Class of '98 I went to a Catholic, college prep school, then did most of my university in Germany, where I studied a bunch of languages. Currently, I have learned (to a degree of proficiency) French, German, Danish, and Norwegian.   Sophomore year of college. 1999. I once had to waste five minutes convincing a Swede that I'm not Swedish.  I don't even speak Swedish. My intention was to transfer to the University of Copenhagen for senior year, but I was late turning in the pa

Cherry Bomb

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Oh no.  I think for dinner, I accidentally gave myself diarrhea.    "As I type this, my hand is reaching into the bag again."  

Aw Chucks...

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My favorite store is Chuck's Produce.   It is some bizarre portal that transforms from a local produce store to my personal meat market once the automatic doors close behind me.   If I'm in a hurry, I wear the ruby ring my mom gave me for my birthday.  That way I can get out within an hour.  Without the ring, I'm a conversation vortex, disguised as a woman squeezing and sniffing fruit.      Yeah, I know, I'm a sturdy girl.   Today the produce boy stocking cherries had a stomach ache because he ate a  scorpion pepper  a half hour prior to my arrival.  I ordered him to go drink some milk, but he didn't want to get in trouble.  In retrospect, he could have used a hug. In the checkout line, there was young, blond gentleman who looked like he had walked right off the page of a 1960's surfing ad.  As I enthusiastically made room for his items on the conveyer belt, his young Robert Redford handsomeness distracted me, and my basket went flyi

Breakdown

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Monday (Katt has a meltdown to her friends.) Katt:   Tell me I'm not old!  Friends:   You're not old!  Katt:  (Scowls)   Stop blowing sunshine up my ass. Tuesday (Katt has another meltdown, sits against her front door throwing shoes from the pile next to her, texting friends.) Katt:  (via text)   Tell me I'm not old!  I can work out more, burn off more layers of skin, but I can't change my birthdate.  It's too late to start fresh.  What if I lose my sex appeal?   Friends: (via text)   You're not old!   Wednesday Twentysomething Men on Tinder:   You're gorgeous!..What?...Um no, you're not old.   Also Wednesday (Katt at the doctor's office.) Doctor: (points to x-rays)   You have early onset arthritis in both knees.   Katt:   Goddammit. (The End.)  Epilogue  Katt:   Told you so.  I would like to thank Amazon for keeping me company while I waited in the exam room alone for what felt like an etern

Product of the 80's

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1.)  President Carter was still in office when I was born.   2.)  History has proven (I'm going to go ahead and say "scientifically") that the eighties were the greatest time to be a kid.   3.) My favorite Garbage Pail Kids card was the one with the conjoined twins.  4.) I thought my Thriller viewfinder showed actual footage of Michael Jackson transforming into a monster.   5.) I sucked my thumb until I was ten.   6.) My mom told me that if I wore my headgear to school, the kids would think I was rich because they're so expensive.   7.). I'm still afraid of the dark, which is why there are LED Christmas lights strung all around my apartment.  This fact is possibly unrelated.  Possibly.     I tickle myself pink.

Minor Problems

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I'm back on Tinder- but this time I'm doing it right.  By that, I mean having my dates sign media release forms.  I just printed out some to keep in my glove compartment.  Yes, I made sure to include a section for their guardian's signature.   The older I get, the more I look like incriminating evidence on Gary Glitter's computer.

Annee Funnee

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Welcome to Katt Funny's new Creative Director Annee Dennee!   It turns out, her baby daughter is a savant who already potty trained herself and is currently doing field research in Zimbabwe for her doctorate in anthropology.  Annee and her newly acquiesced supply of Crayola merchandise are a valuable addition to our litter.   As you can see, she already speaks Xhosa.

Mr. & Ms. Funny

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                           Andrew John Barna                                      03/29/1979  to 01/09/2005                                   My sweetheart.  Memory Eternal.    A tribute to the hottest moments between Andy and Katt: Dressed up as Sid and Nancy...unintentionally. 1.)  The Stalkings (Katt is getting ready for work.  Andy smacks her bottom.) Andy:  Baby!... (Andy rubs Katt's shoulders and whispers in her ear.)   Are you wearing control top? The donkey is a cigarette holder.  Pull the ears, and smokes come out of its butt. 2.)  The Handcuffs (Andy and Katt are dressed as Sid and Nancy for Halloween.) Andy:  Look baby!  I stole some handcuffs so that we can be handcuffed together all night. (Andy is a prisoner while he's bitched out all night for stealing handcuffs.) "Costume?" 3.)  The Cup   (Andy sneaks his 20 year old, new girlfriend Katt into his bedroom at his parents' house.  They drink bee

Katt Funny Taglines

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I'm thinking of making shirts... 1). "I tickle myself pink." 2). "I'm a hoot!" 3). "Katt: (n.) a woman too old to be a sex kitten and too poor to be a cougar. " 4). "Oh, me." Cougar Incognito

The Worst Has Finally Happened

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I missed Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven.  I ran in at 8pm, and the clerk said that it was already over.  Then I walked into not one, but two spider webs.  Then I realized that I forgot to put on underwear when I left the house.  The only flavor they had left was sour grape. The second worst course of events to ever happen to anyone ever, of all time in history, was when I stepped on a slug with my bare foot, put that bare foot in a boot which had a slug hiding in it, then went upstairs and took a bite of an apple and bit into a worm.  Then I died inside.  Then I came back to life.  

Ferashback

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Here's an oldie, but goodie... My building manager is from Cambodia.   When I correct his pronunciation, he corrects mine.  I'm serious.

Sore and Tinder

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I scoured through hundreds of men on Tinder and hand selected a few for dates.  Despite many of their profiles saying otherwise, all of them made it very clear that they weren't interested in a relationship... which was completely unnecessary, especially for the ones who told me this in my living room.  Here is the view from my futon: The icon with Christ dead, being lowered into the tomb, is called "Extreme Humility".  The rest of my place is covered in books about Holy Tradition.   They don't understand that I can't date just any pagan weirdo.   There's an assumption that I want a relationship, which isn't exactly wrong, but somehow I don't get to vote on the partner.   So thank you, all of you, for the very kind but completely unnecessary "I'm not looking for..." speeches.  

Tinder-ella

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As a Mother's Day present, I put a profile up for a month on Tinder.  For those of you new to the thirty-five year old boundary war between me and my mother (hi mom!  I love you!), here is an excerpt from my very first post on this site from six years ago, titled " Ten Minutes of Conversation with Mom on the Patio While Trying to Write ". * Me :  Why do you assume I'll never find love? Mom :  I think you should-that's the point!  I think a guy should love you and see how wonderful you are!  Get the damn dog off me. * That was back when I was just a naive, twenty-nine year old kid.  I had my whole life ahead of me.   Me at 29.  Just a whippersnapper, full of dreams.   Now I'm a washed up thirty-five year old hag with dusty ovaries and saggy boobies.  Sometimes if I shake my head really fast, I can see jowls.   Me currently.  Yuck!  Ridden hard and put away wet.     I cannot stress enough how much I hate dating.  The last dat

Well, Hållo There...

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Oh, my.  

The Playmate of Humphrey

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My mom just moved from the West Hills home she owned for over thirty years.  It's on Humphrey, in the Bridlemile school district.  Now, it's filled with kids, but back in the 80's, it was the Ribbon Candy District, and grandchildren visiting for the summer were stuck with me as their only playmate option.  For a few years, there was a cute, good-natured redhead my age who lived down the street.  She was great with crafts, especially puff paints.  Eventually she and her puff paints moved closer to Bridlemile, and the ego-centric part of me wonders if it was so that she had more options in playmates.   Her house was very modern and clean, with blue poles and grey knotted rugs.  Ours had beautiful pine floors that were usually dirty.  It's not that we were lazy- quite the opposite.  We were in school and played sports, and my older sister and parents were in school and working.  Sacrifices had to be made, like clean floors, and remembering to pick me up from soccer pr

Drunk and Trigger Happy. Now I'm Coming for You.

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During my mom's recent move from my childhood home, I got back my giant box of photos being stored in my old closet.  I was the only kid who had the same room the entire time.  I don't know why- they probably just forgot about me, subsequently forgetting the room existed.  More than once did they leave me at the grocery store on family vacations, all five of them oblivious for ten miles that I wasn't in the car.   (Subsequently) half the photos are of me drinking.  Half of those photos are of me drunk in inappropriate places.  The rest are a hodge-podge of people whose named I have long forgotten, but I recognize as my Facebook friends.  Some are embarrassing attempts at artistic photography.   Some, the One Hour Photo people really shouldn't have developed- legally or morally.  I'm going on a quest to find the people in the photos and send them a scanned copy.  Don't worry, I'm not going to tag terrible pictures of you and post them on your page- I hat

O' Tenenbaum

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A memoirist is basically selling themselves- like prostitutes, only less exercise...possibly worse listening skills.  I n becoming the product, I'm developing a trademark style, not only in my writing, but in other parts of my life.   Here's what I have so far: Favorite   Color:  Red  Book:  To Kill a Mockingbird Poet:  Langston Hughes Actor:   Erik Nicolaisen Song:  " Blackbird " (The Beatles) Guitarist:   Mark Knopfler Food:  Pizza Flavor:  Strawberry Spice:  Dill Animal:  Otter Flower:  Red Poppy Gemstone:  Red Diamond Movie Character :   Margot Tenebaum Summer of '99 in Germany; I was the original Margot Tenenbaum I wear bangs because I think they make me look younger.  I have shitty nails.  The constant typing keeps my nails filed down and polish chipped. On Christmas Eve around midnight, I put on "It's a Wonderful Life" alone and see how long it takes until I'm bawling.  Sometimes I dress up as an elf.  That

Slow and Steady...

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I've been trying to rewrite the memoir for a few years now.  Before I knew that people would be interested in my writing, it was easy to post a chapter per day.  Now every word is met with hesitation, embarrassment, vulnerability, and self-consciousness.  I spent thirty years unaware that I did anything well, and I still haven't adjusted to the information. I suppose it's not that I didn't do anything WELL, per se, rather I wasn't extraordinary.  Do all of us long to be extraordinary?  Do we all have a need to be special?  To either have a special talent or feel special to a person?   What snaps my little turtle head back into its shell aren't necessarily the criticisms in life; people are usually very kind and supportive- of which I am overwhelmingly grateful.  It's the confusion that frightens me.  Life is full of mixed messages that I can't navigate.  A few times, women have said that they admire the personal strength I show in my writing, th

The Cooler

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Things I never had much luck at: 1.)  School elections.  I'm terrified of public speaking and responsibility.  However, I really, really like making funny posters.  2.)  School plays.  By senior year, I stopped caring and auditioned with the Hansen medley that was constantly playing in my head because my little sister was obsessed and running their CD nonstop in her room next door. 3.)  At 28, a cake eating contest.  The frosting tickles my throat. 4.)  At 9, a pizza eating contest.  I lost to a girl twenty pounds lighter. 5.)  Anything that required me to be a team player. 6.)  Blackjack.  I can't last more than two minutes at the table.   7.)  Stocks.  Stocks I pick automatically fail. 8.)  Baby genders.  Whatever I guess, the baby will be the opposite-  100% of the time.   9.)  Relationships.  My dead ancestors cringe as they watch our lineage die, each time I text, "I love you!" on first dates, while the gentleman is in the bathroom.   10.)  R