Showing posts from September 6, 2018

Oh "Henry"

I'm sick of these emails: You can't bullshit a bullshitter, 'Henry'.  I'm starting to question his medical credentials. Let's see him figure this out on Google Translate.

Super Flying Zach

Zach and I have been going to the pool lately to get some cardio. Ten months of breast milk has given him thunder thighs, so it's time to start working it off. Our exercises are pretty much just me walking back and forth in the shallow end with him gliding on the water. He looks like he's flying, so I sing a song I made up called "Super Flying Zach" about a Zach who patrols the sky. It goes: Super Flying Zach is coming to get 'cha! It's Super Flying Zach, so you better be good! He's going to make sure ___(fill in the blank with what he needs to police) It's Super Flying Zach, and he's coming to get 'cha, Super Flying Zach, SO YOU BETTER BE GOOD! For the blanks I say stuff like: He's going to make sure you help old ladies across the street. He's going to make sure you clean up your dog's poop. He's going to make sure you don't run red lights. After walking back and forth and singing this for a

America's Fartland

Because the baby daddy of my dreams lives across the country, we packed up my stuff and drove to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  Our hotel from Groupon To give you an idea of our drive, we started in Vancouver, Washington then stayed at these hotels along the way: Leavenworth, Washington It's a German town my mom and I intended to get a Groupon for. The goal was to stop and see Lake Chelan because while my mom was in hospice, she lamented about not traveling more. I asked her where she still wanted to go, and she said, "Lake Chelan." This seemed too reasonable since she had been to Russia, Italy, and the Holy Land. In any case, we didn't visit it because I needed to get poor pneumatic Jason to the next hotel. View from the Econolodge Livingston, MT   We intended to see Yellowstone but spent the day at urgent care instead, which was conveniently located across from our hotel. The diagnosis was a bad case of pneumonia, but bless their hearts for tes

Arm Pittsburgh

Jason helped me move out to Pittsburgh last year in the middle of summer, when I was nearing my third trimester. He showed up with a bad case of pneumonia, which he blames on my getting him a plane ticket that rerouted him through Newark. Unbeknown to me, it's the armpit of America, and what I saved on the airfare, I ended up paying more than three times that when I forced Jason into urgent care. By that point, we and our Budget rental truck had made it to Livingston, Montana. Despite there being about twelve people in that city, our wait to see the doctor was suprisingly long. Our next stop was Billings. I went to the store to get Jason soup and popsicles, and when I returned, he sent me back out for watermelon. To this day, he credits watermelon with saving his life while I credit Katt with saving his life.  This was the first time I had driven across the country, and I'm still torn between thinking it was a great trip or the vacation from hell. For my pregnancy, I w

Zach Funny

Zachary Adams Klingensmith home from the hospital last October. That's a phone charger because I didn't t understand the basic of babyproofing, yet they let me bring him home.  My baby is awesome. So are his dad, my stepkids and in-laws. This new life is void of toxic assholery. As grateful as I am, this came at a cost.  Before Jason (my betrothed) came along in late 2016, my mom died of ovarian cancer. She was essentially my partner in that we did all the things together that one generally wants a partner for. Movies, traveling, dining out, and so on. She also loved me very much and was the muse for most of my comedic writing. After she passed, I felt very detached from life.  I had no parents, no spouse, no kids, no pets, and no house ferns. Without being tied to anyone, I felt like I was going to float away. At the time I was seeing a guy who seemed nice and supportive, but ended up being such a psychopath, I told him not to contact me again until he made an appoi