Showing posts from October 10, 2015

My Top Banana

Does this banana look weird to you?  Is it supposed to be this straight?   Maybe I've just forgotten what bananas are supposed to look like.   Yes, that is a wiener joke making fun of my nonexistent love life.  Sometimes a cigar is just a penis. Get some ID- that banana is barely ripe! Ingenue:   "My name is Banana.  I took a bus out here from Nebraska in hopes of becoming famous!" Pencil Mustache:   "Would you like to be in the pictures, kid?  I can make you a star!" Ingenue:   "Yes!  I would do anything to make it!" Pencil Mustache:   "Anything?  Slowly unpeel yourself for me..." words. 

Official Code of Conduct for Aunt Kathleen's' Story Time.

My brother's kids like my stories.  They all take place in the Hawaiian Islands and are about spies, a naked robber, a sassy sea turtle who says, "Aloha baby", a mongoose with a fetish for cross-dressers, suicidal boars, hula dancers, weapons, an evil monkey, and cameo appearances by their baby sister.   Our snuggle position is I am on the couch, and they climb on top of me.  Then as I tell stories, they interrupt and scream at each other, and at some point, I get kicked in the boob.  Then I order the older one to get me a cup of coffee, because the kid makes really good coffee.   Last story time, we decided we should have rules before proceeding.  I'm considering adopting these rules in all areas of my life.   Rule #2 applies to ALL of you! Rules of Story Time 1.)  No innteruptshins unless Kathleen says you can.   (And your innteruptshin must be asome.) 2.)  Most important:  No farting on Kathleen's lap.  Or else! 3.)  No papa. 4.)