August 31, 2014

I Am Not Taking You Out to Play Ball

Girls who are sweet and not hideous get the burden in life of having creepy men make passes at them.  I'm guessing they assume that by not screaming and running away, these women must either want bone jumping or are easily manipulated into it. 

On behalf of the non-ugly girls who say "hi" back in the hallway:  No!  NO!  Bad greasy man, BAD!  (hits on nose with rolled up newspaper).  I'm not interested in your guitar playing.  I don't want to wake up next to a lava lamp.  SHOO!

August 30, 2014

Frame of Shame

            I woke up in the middle of the night, picked up my laptop which was next to my head, and began writing.  Not just editing my old work, which is what I have been doing lately, but writing!  I had to put it on my Facebook timeline because I thought I would never be able to write again.
            What is there to write about?  Well...I recently bought a memory foam mattress and they're so expensive that I bought a twin size one.  I figure that since I still sleep on the right side edge of the bed ever Andy and I shared one twelve years ago, the extra mattress is just wasted on me.  What do I do when a guest comes over for dinner and subsequent sexual intercourse?  Yeah, that really isn't an issue- I don't like sharing my Fruity Pebbles.  (That isn't a euphemism.)  Also, I'm pretty sure Nissan products cause impotency.  
            Because I'm more into frugality than sanity, I made a bed frame out of two broken bookshelves.  It worked just fine until I rolled over one night and it collapsed.  Now my mattress is on the floor while I figure out if the bed frame can be fixed with Gorilla Glue (spoiler alert- it can't.)

August 28, 2014

My Bloggy Love

The Breakfast Slurpee

Oh wow, I miss this blog!  I miss it so much- mwah!  mwah!  mwah!  I'm so sorry that I abandoned you little bloggy.

Ah.  It feels good to be home.  None of the other blogs I started feel right.  I'm sorry, I need to continue making out with my blog.  Mwah!  Mwah!  MWAH!  

                    So.  It looks like I'm not a nun.  (awkward silence)  

Remember when I said that it just felt right?  I may have been wrong.  OR, it just isn't the right time yet.  One of the spiritual counsels I received during the journey was that I can always become a nun later.  Lots of monastics marry and have children first, then take up the ascetic life as a retirement plan. (That isn't a direct quote.)

Anyway, let's pick up where we left off.  I don't know what that means in this context.  

What's zany today...ah!  You know those TV show where the girl says things, then the guy hears "I want to get married and have your babies right now!" so he freaks out, then the girl finds him and convinces him that it's a misunderstanding and she's not crazy, which calms him down, and then everything seems okay until he sees her trying on a wedding dress because her friend is getting married and they're having fun, then he freaks out and runs away so she chases him down the street in the wedding dress to explain but he runs even faster because he's terrified?

So, I've got that going for me...  

(Oh, how I've missed you scripted, awkward silence!  Mwah!  Mwah!  MWAH!)