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Showing posts from 2018

Katt Funderland: Lower Education

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The now defunct Trump "University" has been reestablished and is now located in Katt Funderland.  In the corner is a student preparing for his final.  "Noooo! Leggo my eggos!"

Kult Funderland

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Many years ago, I decorated my mom's snow village and posted pictures. It started out as a prank to see if she would notice the strip club among her cute little houses, and then it took off from there. I inherited them, and now as the matriarch of my own family, I intend to carry on the tradition. This year, it's named Katt Funderland, and here is footage from the local church: That's just common sense.  A month ago, we took a trip to Eastern Kentucky to see where the Hatfield-McCoy feud took place. I later discovered that we were in the area of Appalachia where the snake-handling churches are. There's an evangelical sect where the parishioners dance around with rattlesnakes during the services. The theory is that if they have faith, the snakes won't bite them. (The founder has since died of a snakebite.) That's one way to stop clans from inbreeding. 

The List of the Magi

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I'm driving Jason nuts because he wants to know what I want for Christmas, and I have no idea. All he wants is to buy me what I like and see my joyous expression when I open it, and somehow that's asking too much. Instead, I gave him a shopping list with things on it like serving bowls and silver polish, and then made another one of my general interests, which included tropical vacations and British mysteries. Last year, I wrote down what my heart truly desires, and handed him a list of chores. He requested that I refrain from being passive-aggressive this year. Christmas 2017 My main obstacle is that we share finances, so I can't exactly ask that he spend money on me. Then if he comes home one day with a Truckasaurus parked outside, I won't have the leverage to tell him to return it. Then there is the baby issue. There's no point in wanting anything breakable for the next few years. Everything expensive is currently stacked on the highest shelves. However, J

Hallowiener

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Decisions are so much easier to make now that I'm with Jason. I try to pick what he likes because not only might it make him happy, it spares me from having to spend days stressing over the unimportant things. No matter how mundane the decision, I am obsessed with finding a way to make everyone happy. Then I spend the rest of the time telling people that they can't make everyone happy and to stop stressing about it. It's true though. There will always be that person who doesn't like a certain food no matter how it's prepared. With kids, it's easier to deal with. You don't like eggs? Then you can't have cookies. They have eggs in them. Grownups are less flexible. They need to be shamed for being uncultured. Unfortunately, there are also people who are proud to be xenophobic and have no problem rudely refusing a meal if it's not staring some kind of meat dish. Then there are the people who, no matter what, say, "It would have been better with

First Birthday

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October 18th was Zach's first birthday, and it seemed like he knew because he was in a fabulous mood all day. That isn't like Zach. He's a very happy baby, but he also whines a lot. Once he made that discontent whining sound for so long, it took everything in my power not to unleash the earth's loudest "SHUT UP!" I've taken videos of him making that sound to guilt him later in life. We started our festivities after midnight, which is the tradition I created for our family. Jason works evenings, so we are all on a late schedule. I decided that on birthdays, we would have a household celebration before bed, and then a celebration with the rest of the family later that evening. That way we can both start and end the day with a celebration. I set out the presents people had sent us, as well as the ones we bought. The first one was a plush avocado from my best friend Meghan, which Zach decided he was content with and no longer interested in the rest of the

Rosie the Robot Vacuum

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For my birthday, Jason's parents gave him money to pick out a present from them. Jason picked a robot vacuum because he knows what chicks dig. It was a rose gold colored one, so I named it Rosie. Like this Rosie, but lazier and less sassy I used to dream about having a baby and getting it a Roomba to sit on, like in YouTube videos. This proved very disillusioning because by the time Zach could sit up on his own, he was too heavy, and Rosie just beeped while grinding into the ground.  Soon it became normal to have Rosie buzzing around, and when she would go by, I would say, "Zach! There's your sister Rosie," and Zach would watch it with interest. Since Zach was too heavy, I would put a stuffed T-Rex on it and sent it into the bathroom after Jason.  After a while, Rosie began getting on my nerves. She got stuck places she never should have been able to fit in, couldn't handle the incline from the floor to carpet, and beeped while being charged. Basicall

The GIF That Keeps on GIving

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I have immortalized my baby in GIF form.

Cleaning the Irritation Valve

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I finally have an opportunity to write, and I'm grumpy. The annoying things in life have crept up on me, and it's finally time to unleash them. Here's this round: 1. Snapchats filters with babies. Me-ow., Zachy. 2. Jason's crush on late 90's pop musician Michelle Branch. 3. People thinking my social media posts are about them and getting offended. They've been wrong 100% of the time. 4. Stating outlandish things without fact-checking first. 5. Sharing a bathroom with a boy. 6. Having to put on clothes that aren't pajama pants. 7. Hamsters that eat their babies. 8. The weather in Pittsburgh. I've seen all four seasons within the same week. It's creepy. 9. Not changing an opinion despite being given factual information to the contrary. 10. Responding to what they interpret the photo or tagline to mean without reading my blog post. Like, they noticed the post, it interested them, had time to reply, and blatantl

Baby Debauchery

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Last winter, I got an LG phone, and the autocorrect kept changing 'Zachary' to 'debauchery'. Little did I know, this phone had insight into his character. He's almost one and has made it clear that he's a pervert. Like when Zach hears Jason in the shower, he zooms into the bathroom to throw back the curtain and watch him. By the time I get there, Zach is soaking wet from leaning over to get a good look. It's not the only bathroom activity Zach enjoys. Once I heard a thud and walked in to find that Zach had figured out how to open the cabinet and was eating the empty toilet paper rolls from the garbage. Peeing is another hassle. Jason said that out of the three kids he has had, Zach is the only one who tries to put his hand in the pee stream and swirl it in the bowl. The others would just run in to watch in fascination. All of this could be fixed by simply closing doors, but we aren't the door closing kind of people. That takes a minor amount of eff

Dream Catching

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Jason is the weirdest sleeper I've ever known. He thrashes around, sleeps on his hands and knees, and chatters. I started keeping a list of the things he says in his sleep. 1.) "I have to get a shower now and go to work. I love you with all my heart." When I told him he said that, he replied, "I wonder who I was talking about." 2.) "We can steal cars and kill hookers in real life." I woke him up and asked what the hell. He said that he was dreaming about playing Grand Theft Auto with his son Ben. 3.) "C'mere Barky! C'mere!" Later I asked if he ever owned a dog named Barky. He hadn't. He's just terribly uncreative at pet names in his dreams. 4.) "Oh, poo." 5.) "Who's a good boy. Who's a good boy." 6.) "Yack-Yack!" That's a nickname he gives Zach. 7.) "The girl in the boots doesn't know she's the dumbest kid in the class." He said

We're Pumpkin Spice People Now

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Since we are just starting out as a family, the time is now if we want to start traditions. Here are some that I have come up with: 1. Each vacation, buy a Christmas ornament. That way when we decorate the tree, we can reminisce over past trips. This was my mom's idea. 2. Buy the whimsical seasonal flavors at the grocery store. My goal is for us to eat healthily while still enjoying life. Growing up, my mom considered fruit to be an appropriate dessert. It's not. No kid deserves to be rewarded for eating their vegetables with an apple. A cup of cocoa with peppermint Oreos sounds like a nice way to end a Winter's day. I recently welcomed Autumn with Halloween Pop Tarts for Jason and Pumpkin Spice Cheerios for Zach.  3. Christmas gifts before bed, then stockings in the morning. Since Jason works evenings, we have grown accustomed to a late schedule. This way Zach can still be excited to wake up on Christmas morning, we can go back to bed, and I have time to cook

Moootherhood

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My weight has yo-yoed since I was a preteen. Part of me assumes that I was predisposed to be a huskier gal because my parents were big, but clearly, there's a diet aspect of it. The best way to curb my sweet tooth has been to limit carbohydrates, which was hard enough when I lived alone but is an uphill battle since getting pregnant. My doctor told me when I was a few months in that I didn't need to eat carbs during pregnancy, but Zach begged to differ. When it was just me, I could buy low carb food and cook because I had all this energy from not giving a shit about anyone else. Now I can't even count the times I had to turn the stove or oven off in the middle of cooking something because Zach was having a meltdown. The counters are cluttered with stuff that I have had to move out of Zach's reach, and I'm too short to reach the high shelves. This also wasn't a problem when I lived alone, because I easily climbed all over countertops and furniture like the nim

Instruction Not Included

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Since my entire day is consumed by Zach, it would be helpful if he was a better muse. I don't know how there are so many parenting blogs out there because babies are boring. Also, if I tell the truth about my parenting style, there's always some guy quick to make a joke about calling child services. They can't comprehend the mama bear nerve it hits to tease about taking my baby away. Next time I'll joke right back about taking their cat, and they always have cats, and sticking it in a blender. That would only give them a glimpse of what I feel. In my desperation to be a good mother, I read a lot of those parenting blogs. I also read parenting books and listened to too much advice. Very little of it was helpful. The most helpful thing was my realization that I am Zach's mother, and I know my baby. When he wouldn't latch, several people told me that it was "nipple confusion" because I was using bottles. His doctor disagreed, and so did I. My hunch was

Pile-Driving Me Crazy

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Thanks to Jason, I know more about sports and sports entertainment than I ever wanted to. He loves football and the WWE and has a captive audience with me because I once read a one-sided piece of paper on listening skills. It was handed out in a tenth-grade meeting of peer counselors, and I still remember the gist. It basically says to listen without judgment or advice. Since then, I've discovered that most people know how to solve their own problems, it's just hard. When they're stumped, they'll directly ask for advice. Giving unsolicited advice comes across like "I think you're stupider than I am. Incompetent too." In any case, I've mastered the head nod.  In return, Jason is a good listener but will text me a "Wrap It Up" GIF when the subject no longer interests him.  Courtesy of the Chapelle Show When I began writing again, I told him, and he said, "That's great!" Then I told him again, and he said, "Okay.&qu

My Tweetheart

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Even though I pick on Jason for not reading my blog, he plays my Twitter games without fail. That's how we met, through his playing my games. Among all those players, he stood out immediately because he's so damn funny. Occasionally a picture of my son will pop up on the feed, or I'll get a notification that he mentioned me in a tweet. I regularly do a search to see recent batches of tweets about me and Zach. Here are some of my favorite ones in chronological order:  This is from before we met, which makes me wonder if I fell for some kind of scheme: These are from right before Zach was born: Here's the birth announcement. This photo was taken twenty minutes after Zach was born: Now our life with him. The days are long but the weeks fly by: