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Showing posts from 2009

Nancy Bergeson

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Nancy, our longtime friend, was recently found strangled to death in her house.  There were U.S. Marshals at her memorial service because she was a public defender for the federal government.  Ironically, she was perhaps the best advocate for her own murderer. I saved a letter she wrote me when I was in high school because it was so special.  Here's an excerpt (dated April 21st, 1997): One of the things I like the best about you is your total openness.  You have an amazing ability to naturally and comfortably relate to people, even old fogies like me.  You speak your truth in a simultaneously mature and yet innocent way.  It's an awesome combination, and best of all, it's totally sincere and spontaneous.  You also have great energy.  It's contagious and you are a kick to be around.   She ended the letter with: In short, I like you tons, you're a pro, and a totally righteous and awesome human being.  And as we used to say way back in the 60's-         

My Awesome Diet

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After thirty, they come with ostrich feathers.   Yesterday I ate split pea soup and a brownie sandwich (it was a sandwich because I put cream cheese between two brownies).   The day before that, I ate a pepperoni pizza and a batch of brownies. Before that I ate...crap.   Fuck you food pyramid.  

Suspension

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I walked into my high school physics class one day and there was a chair suspended from the ceiling.  The teacher needed a volunteer, and I needed the attention, so I sat in it demonstrating whatever the lesson was.  When I slid off of it, my skirt came up and my underwear could be seen through my sheer black stockings.  The chubby Asian kid in the front row said, "Ewwww!" and blocked his eyes.  Seriously.  He seriously did that. At least not all chubby boys found teenage Kat repulsive. 

Things I Do Well

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When I say "Slip into something more comfortable"...I mean footie pajamas.  You cornhusking simpleton.  *Use grammar decently *Look cute in pajamas *Pick friends *Listen to boring stories *Pack lunches *Eat crap *Memorize boring details *Remember trivia about the Yankees  *Lower expectations *Take the dog out *Not sleep *Make salads *Bartend *Cake eating contests *Closet an addiction for almost 9 years. *Chain smoke *Love

Things I Do Like Shit

*Drive *Eat healthy *Not swear in front of kids *Nurture *Pay bills *Clean my room *Find my pilates arm band *Send Christmas cards *Defend my political views *Flirt *Healthy romantic relationships *Platitudes *Not overreact *Wait patiently *Cut brownies

(S)Carolyn

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For Halloween I dressed up as my sister.  I'm serious.

Wiki-Hair

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As I part with my beloved Iggy, he serenades me..."I am the passenger..." I decided that it was silly to spend money on a haircut when I can simply develop a new talent.  So, I went to WikiHow and looked up how to give myself a haircut.  Sure enough, there were instructions.  I'm going for the "outgrown mullet" look these days.

Freshest Catch of the Day!

             Since two friends of me who are both awesome and attractive have profiles on matchmaking websites, I wondered, "Was I a jerk in assuming that all lonely single people are ugly losers?"  This sparked my curiosity and I had to look.         In order to view people, I had to make a profile and they insisted on a snazzy headline.  Since I'm not looking for a good time or the gun show,  I racked my brain for something repulsive.  For extra measure, I added the picture of me eating cheesecake in the morning.        They ended up turning down my profile even though my winning headline was, "Wanna Live With A Mother-In-Law?".      Now I have a dream of creating a bunch of profiles with different horrible headlines to see what kind of weirdos would be interested.  Here are some of my ideas: * It's The Middle Of The Afternoon And I'm Still In My Bathrobe. * I'm On Meds I Shouldn't Get Pregnant On. * I'm Crying While Typing Thi

Too Long for my Twitter Feed

Today I scooped up a wiggly kid and said, "I remember holding you when you were a baby!"  My friend next to me said, "I bet he was easier to hold back then." and I said, "No, he's easier to hold now.  Because I'm sober."

Full of Hot, Filtered Water

People get on my case for not having a "filter" when, indeed, I do have one.  What am I NOT saying?  Mostly it's just correcting people in my head and making zingers that would shame both of us if said out loud.   Here is some stuff I choked back in the past: *Turtles don't give birth, you idiot- they leg eggs.  If it gave birth, it'd have, like, 200 nipples.   *You're not deaf.  I know this because that is not sign language.  That is you flapping your hands around pretending you're signing.  It's about as similar as me pressing a doorbell and saying I'm speaking Vietnamese.  *Your stories now have officially contradicted each other.  So which time were you lying? *Yes you said it, and yes it was mean.  I don't need to defend myself, and if you want hallucinations instead of memories, be my guest, but I'm not going to reason with them.   *It's "between you and me" not "between you and I"!  "

I'm No Master Baker...

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I baked a birthday cake for itself. (to celebrate the first time I baked a decent cake.) Meta-licious

Ten Minutes of Conversation with Mom on the Patio while Trying to Write

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(These quotes aren't in order.  But they very well could be.)   * Mom :  Why do you need financial aid for school?  What for? Me :  I don't quite know how to answer that without saying, "Duh." * Mom :  Like, do you need tuition?  Living expenses? Me :   I basically just want that big bill on the table from PSU paid. * Mom :  Blah blah blah... (going on about the Ducks game.) Me:   (quiet for three seconds.) Mom :  I knew you didn't care. * Mom :  Have you heard from...(insert friend's name)?   Me :  Not in awhile. Mom :  Oh.  That's too bad.  Their loss. Me :  Why do you assume that if I haven't heard from someone, I'm being rejected. Mom :  I don't know.   * Mom:   (talking to the dog)  I wish you would tell me when you'd die.  Then I'd know whether or not I should get your teeth cleaned. * Mom :  I'm sick of people.  And their things.  They always have thing