Showing posts from October, 2021

The Sexiest Men of Toddler TV

My husband is wonderful. Doesn’t like my writing about him, but is nevertheless fantastic. Now that I’m middle-aged and married with kids, what I find attractive in men has completely changed. Working out at the gym isn’t sexy because that means more time away from family. Begrudgingly wearing matching Christmas pajamas? Super hot.  While he’s at work, I’ve replaced him with new boyfriends from children’s programming. Kid stuff is intolerable without some courtesy eye candy.  Here are my top pics:   The Dad From Cocomelon Be still my heart, green eyes. From romantically dancing with his wife in the kitchen, to helping with dishes, he’s 100% heartthrob. Not only does he play with his kids, he patiently laughs off their shenanigans. He’s humble enough to take public transportation, and my goodness, have you seen those big hands? Swoon!  2. Blue Shirt From The Wiggles His name is Anthony Field, and he’s a 58 year old former preschool teacher, soldier, and pop musician. His openness abo

Why People Are Obsessed With Their Kids

Just a few years ago, I convinced myself that if I ever had kids, I wouldn’t talk about them incessantly. The universe abounds with other topics, many of which won’t thoughtlessly annoy people who don’t (or can’t) have kids.   Then I had them and learned that those fascinating topics are still out there, I just can’t access them because my brain is mush. No one warned me that they do that. In fact, a lot of things were left out:  They : Once you give birth, you’ll forget all about the pain.  Me : I’ll make them pay. They : Take time to play with your kids and enjoy them.  Me : I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. Their games are dumb, and the three year old criticizes my sand building.  They : Take lots of pictures! Me : They stole my phone.  They : Write down the cute things they say. Me : I don’t even write down the cute things I say.  They : No screen-time . Me : I’m not firing the iNanny.  They : Don’t yell at them. Then they won’t listen if you need to yell.  Me

I’m Unqualified To Babysit My Kids

If I were Zach’s and Kate’s nanny, and not their mother, I would have been fired a long time ago. Despite being the most influential person in their lives, my standard for hired help is much higher than for myself. If I came home to toddlers eating crayons for dinner while watching a documentary on Richard Ramirez, I would be furious. Yet when I’m watching them, I consider it a successful day if everyone is alive by the end of it.   My performance review of myself: 1. How has your relationship developed with the children? If I try to take a bath, they climb in and pee on me.  2. What kind of healthy foods do you serve? High fructose corn syrup is a vegetable, right? It might be a whole grain. 3. What is the bedtime routine like? I routinely scream into a pillow.     4. How much screen-time are the children exposed to? I don’t know what they do when I’m not there. 5. What disciplinary measures do you use? Darwinian ones. 6. Give an example of when you used positive parenting