August 22, 2015

Love Cruise

When it was time to go to bed, Andy and I would call it "Cruisin' for a Snoozin'".  

I just found a love letter I wrote him while he was sleeping, and I know it's a love letter because that's how I addressed it in the subject line.  

It's dated January 16th, 2003:

Dear Andy,

Good morning!  It's a bit past 6am, and I still can't sleep.  I woke up around 3am and was wide awake.  It's too chilly in the house during the night.  My feet are purple.

You look so snuggly right now, and you smell good.  (Next to this is a drawing of him looking snuggly.)  I keep kissing your head.  Thank you for driving me to work every day.  Sorry I ruined dinner last night.  I wanted to make it special too.  (Frowny face.)...

I'm being good.  I want to wake you up so that I can play with you.  Why do our jobs exhaust us so much?  This isn't any way to live life....

How come you can sleep through the night so well?  You just rolled over and smiled and kissed me.  I told you I was writing you a love letter, and you said, "Okay."  Then a few seconds later said, "Awww..."

You're so beautiful.  Even your breath smells good.  

I can't find the rest of the letter, but here is the drawing of him looking snuggly:

Bad Kitty

Recently something happened that got my goat, which isn't easy, because my goat is morbidly obese but runs like the wind.  

Someone did something that I found hurtful.  He found my response to it hurtful despite my sincere attempt to behave appropriately.  If you know me, then you know that I can't tolerate causing others harm.  I did everything I could to prove that I'm sorry, and it won't happen again.  That's the end of the story. 

The ironic part is that what had started this was that I felt treated like I didn't matter to him, like I was nothing.  It ended with me actually believing that I'm nothing to him.  

I may seem like a doormat, but there's a fence, and someone has to go a long way to cross it.  I hate having to lock it behind them.    

People generally question me about my motives before assuming I have any bad ones.  When bad motives are assumed first, it's because that person is looking for a way out and needs to blame me for it.
Things are going so perfectly in my life right now, and if birds of a feather flock together, then I must be beautiful, successful, genuine, funny, and the "it" kid of some sewing circle.  I wish the mirror would tell me that.  It just tells me to stop picking my face. 

How can I feel so loved by so many people and still hurt because a few people don't?  How can someone I show myself to not see me when thousands of "strangers" do?  How come you want to love me and know me?  They once did too, so how come they changed their minds, and you didn't?

It's not a matter of "getting over it"- the fence is locked.  It's a feeling of insecurity because I'm my product.  My future depends on people wanting to know me better.  Suppose everyone stops caring about me too?  I feel like if I knew what made me suddenly unlovable, then I could prevent that, but I know that the answer is "nothing" because I'm not the one who changed- being me is what I do best.   

Then the ghost of Patrick Swayze came, and rescued me from the corner.