Full of Hot, Filtered Water

People get on my case for not having a "filter" when, indeed, I do have one.  What am I NOT saying?  Mostly it's just correcting people in my head and making zingers that would shame both of us if said out loud.  
Here is some stuff I choked back in the past:

*Turtles don't give birth, you idiot- they leg eggs.  If it gave birth, it'd have, like, 200 nipples.  

*You're not deaf.  I know this because that is not sign language.  That is you flapping your hands around pretending you're signing.  It's about as similar as me pressing a doorbell and saying I'm speaking Vietnamese. 

*Your stories now have officially contradicted each other.  So which time were you lying?

*Yes you said it, and yes it was mean.  I don't need to defend myself, and if you want hallucinations instead of memories, be my guest, but I'm not going to reason with them.  

*It's "between you and me" not "between you and I"!  "Between" is a preposition!  Would you say "between we"? 

* Voluptuous means "sexually arousing" or something, not fat.  And voluptuous was the word you meant when you said, "valumptuous".  

*I think you keep harping on me to work out because you think I need to lose weight.  No one cares about someone else's health that much.  

*Of course he's gay!  It's not homophobic to call someone gay if he's actually gay.  Some people don't have to come out of the closet because they never went in.  

*That's not quantum physics.  That's stuff that sounds like quantum physics so you can get laid.  

*Copyright Kathleen Adams 2007.  Now stop stealing my jokes.

*She's not brilliant- she's quoting NOVA from last night.

*You can't punish me by ignoring me when I personally can't stand you.  

*That's not your IQ and I can prove it because that's my IQ which makes you an idiot for thinking I'd believe you.  

*You are not laughing out loud.  I can hear you in the next room- no laughter.

*There are so many things wrong with what you just said.  I'm going to start by correcting your grammar then end with exposing your ignorance.  

*Milo couldn't have impregnated your cat because Milo is a tortoise shell.  Tortoise shells are female.  It's a recessive gene that needs two "x" chromosomes in order to manifest...Milo is fixed.