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October 11, 2018

Baby Debauchery

Last winter, I got an LG phone, and the autocorrect kept changing 'Zachary' to 'debauchery'. Little did I know, this phone had insight into his character. He's almost one and has made it clear that he's a pervert. Like when Zach hears Jason in the shower, he zooms into the bathroom to throw back the curtain and watch him. By the time I get there, Zach is soaking wet from leaning over to get a good look.

It's not the only bathroom activity Zach enjoys. Once I heard a thud and walked in to find that Zach had figured out how to open the cabinet and was eating the empty toilet paper rolls from the garbage. Peeing is another hassle. Jason said that out of the three kids he has had, Zach is the only one who tries to put his hand in the pee stream and swirl it in the bowl. The others would just run in to watch in fascination. All of this could be fixed by simply closing doors, but we aren't the door closing kind of people. That takes a minor amount of effort which we are both unwilling to exert.

Along with this behavior, Zach has also made it clear that he prefers being naked. When I change his diaper, he does a contortionist act to get out of my hold, then flees. When I try to put clothes on him, he acts like he's being tortured. Then one day, he figured out how to take his pants off. I can only fight with him so much before I go dead inside, so most of his baby pics are him in just a diaper. I often have to blur the background so that people don't see how messy our place is, especially the floor. We had a robot vacuum that Jason told his parents to get me for my birthday (yes, a vacuum for my birthday) but Zach wails on it like he's in a prison yard.
There wasn't room in the fridge to cut up the watermelon, so I told Zach it's his new brother.
Then there's the nipple twisting. It's called 'twiddling', and I read ages ago that they do it to increase milk in the other boob by nipple stimulation. Zach digs his razor claws into it and twists like a stuck ham radio knob. If I cover it with my hand, he tries to remove it, then swipes at my face like a feral cat.
Zach at 6 months running off with my breast pump. 
I'm trying to teach him boundaries, but he's too young to understand and just thinks I'm mean or that I get off on withholding. I'm both, I just hoped he would learn that when he's a bit older.