America's Fartland

Because the baby daddy of my dreams lives across the country, we packed up my stuff and drove to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 

Our hotel from Groupon
To give you an idea of our drive, we started in Vancouver, Washington then stayed at these hotels along the way:

Leavenworth, Washington
It's a German town my mom and I intended to get a Groupon for. The goal was to stop and see Lake Chelan because while my mom was in hospice, she lamented about not traveling more. I asked her where she still wanted to go, and she said, "Lake Chelan." This seemed too reasonable since she had been to Russia, Italy, and the Holy Land. In any case, we didn't visit it because I needed to get poor pneumatic Jason to the next hotel.
View from the Econolodge

Livingston, MT 
We intended to see Yellowstone but spent the day at urgent care instead, which was conveniently located across from our hotel. The diagnosis was a bad case of pneumonia, but bless their hearts for testing him for everything else. Our bill was mostly a long list of tests for illnesses he didn't have.
Then drove past this for a few hours.
Then we drove past some of this too.
These photos were taken hours apart..

Billings, MT
This is where instead of seeing Custer's Last Stand site, Jason ate the credit-stealing watermelon.
They are collectively rolling their eyes at all the red MAGA hats. 
I wasn't the only cougar seen on this trip.
We stopped at a drive through wildlife place where Grizzly bears walked in front of us.
I give Jason credit for not pushing me out of the truck because it can't be easy driving across the country with pneumonia and a gassy pregnant woman. 
The haunted Bullock hotel, named after either nineteenth century lawman Seth Bullock
or gay comedian Jim J. Bullock. We may never know.
Deadwood, South Dakota
Jason began feeling better and even won money playing poker. We stayed in the Bullock Hotel because Jason likes haunted stuff. During the night, I freaked out and decorated the room with icons to protect me from all the syphilitic miner and prostitute ghosts. 
Our Budget rental truck carrying my precious possessions across the country,
like a box of multigrain Cheerios and spaghetti jars with labels scratched off. 
I didn't go in to order a sarsaparilla because a pregnant woman in a bar sucks the fun out of the room.

I ate the whole thing and some of Jason's. 
Jackson, Minnesota
The drive through Minnesota was beautiful. The state is very clean, and I bought homemade pickles at the gas station.
Minnesota after being thawed out.
Wisconsin has so many silos that I eventually ran out of penis jokes.
Libertyville, Illinois 
My mom's brother and sister-in-law live there. They were also her best friends who could make her laugh harder than anyone else in the world. I asked them to be Zach's godparents, and they happily agreed. At this point in the pregnancy, I was in the gassy phase. Despite my best efforts to hold it in, they had me laughing so hard at the dinner table that I broke wind loudly, amplified by the reverberation against the wooden chair. Both nights this happened. The day we left, I walked into the living room as the middle child was loudly passing gas for his brothers. He looked embarrassed and apologized, but I was so relieved not to be the only fart-knocker.
August 1st, 2017
before I learned that a keystone isn't an actual rock.

Pittsburgh, PA
Our apartment wasn't ready, so we had to stay in hotels that grew progressively sleazier as the apartment management kept screwing things up. (At one point Jason had to submit proof that he's not a felon because some background check told them otherwise. I guess be weary of any other Jason Klingensmiths you bump into in a dark alley.) One hotel was so horrible that we now look back on it fondly because of how much comic relief making fun of it provided. 
At the Hilltop Inn where a kindly hooker showed me how to use the vending machine. I'm wearing my "Watermelon Smuggler" shirt.