I’m Unqualified To Babysit My Kids

If I were Zach’s and Kate’s nanny, and not their mother, I would have been fired a long time ago. Despite being the most influential person in their lives, my standard for hired help is much higher than for myself. If I came home to toddlers eating crayons for dinner while watching a documentary on Richard Ramirez, I would be furious. Yet when I’m watching them, I consider it a successful day if everyone is alive by the end of it. 

My performance review of myself:


1. How has your relationship developed with the children?
If I try to take a bath, they climb in and pee on me. 


2. What kind of healthy foods do you serve?

High fructose corn syrup is a vegetable, right? It might be a whole grain.


3. What is the bedtime routine like?

I routinely scream into a pillow.   


4. How much screen-time are the children exposed to?

I don’t know what they do when I’m not there.


5. What disciplinary measures do you use?Darwinian ones.


6. Give an example of when you used positive parenting techniques:

Earlier, I told them they were doing a great job of pissing me off.  


7. What educational activities do you employ?

The walls and furniture are covered with art. 


8. Do they get regular exercise?

They must because the downstairs neighbor complained about hearing running and jumping at all hours (this is true.) 


9. How are you a positive role model?

I don’t do any night stalking. 


10. Do you feel this job is the right fit?

I’m the only right fit for this family.  

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