Spoiler Alert

I'm still house-sitting...

The majority of food in this house has expired.  I'm attempting to eat all of it before they get back.  So far, I've gained about fifteen pounds and have spent about eighty hours in the bathroom.  
The "secret" is revealed about an hour later and lasts about a day. 

I actually waited for it to expire before I drank it.

How?
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Location: Multnomah Portland
Freelance humorist. I also document historic sites around me. During the Halloween season, I research and travel to supernatural places. My family loves history, and we go everywhere with our small children. I also host a long-running hashtag comedy game on Twitter.