SANTA PAWS

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Suck it, PETA!
  

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My Scathing Review of a Middle School Play

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 .  Last Saturday, I saw my niece Emmalie her middle school production of Dracula.   My favorite part was the witty banter between me and my older sister under our breaths.  We enjoyed the urbanized slang the upper middle-class white kids had thrown into the play to add a fresh, youthful perspective.  I could totally hear the "z" on the ends of words. During intermission, my sister worked the concession stand where they sold candy and carnations- because nothing says, "I felt obligated." like a carnation.  When I approached, a little Asian girl gave me her seat.  I was surprised by her manners (kids "these days" allegedly have none) and asked her, "Don't you want to sit?"  She shook her head, so I sat down.  I bought some Starbursts and offered her one.  She declined and I said, "Let me rephrase that.  Would you like some candy from a stranger?"  That got me a cute little smile back.  I asked where her mom was and when sh
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Dehydrated Memories

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Last year I didn't decorate for Christmas until December 23rd, so I'm getting an early start this year.  Good thing too because it's not easy locating the Christmas stuff in the storage room.  I have to use logic to determine whether or not the items in the box are holiday decorations or the actual item that is pictured on the box.   For example: There's a box for diapers.  Despite my recent blog about my sister, no one in this house has actually worn diapers since the 80's.  Jackpot!  It's Christmas ornaments.   There's a box for Asian pears- a lot of them apparently.  No matter how inventive the Asians are, it's unlikely their fruit could last this long.  Jackpot!  It's a wreath.   There's a box for a 1970's popcorn maker.  Now who actually owns a 1970's popcorn maker?  Oh.  Apparently we do.   I also finally located our Thanksgiving decorations, not that I had looked for them.  The centerpiece should be the turkey, not a c
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Goodbye Yellow Stained Road...

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Munch much...what what? The other day Pivo and I were snuggling on the couch and I was chewing on his ear.  I do that sometimes when I'm trying to make a decision.  We were trying to decide the best way for him to meet his maker.   See, he bit my sister twice the other night and her hands look like puffer fish.  Usually when he bites her, I give him Snausages but my sister doesn't have insurance and the ER bills are expensive.   Also, I think his bathroom activity in the house is out of spite.  I noticed that he waits till we're inside before he makes his BMs.  Perhaps it's because he knows I'm plotting his death. So far we are considering making a snuff film, killing him Dexter style (with pictures of his poop in front of him to see what heinous crimes he has committed), murder/suicide pact, or a blindfolded game of William Tell.  This probably isn't funny to anyone who loves his/her dog, but Pivo is 9 years old and has bad arthritis. Oh
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