July 3, 2015

The Winner

Competitions I have won:

1.)  Cake walks.  I've won every cake walk I've ever participated in.    

2.)  Wedding bouquets.  The very first one I caught was when I was ten and a junior bridesmaid in my sister's wedding.  The last one I caught was at Mark Trachtenbarg's wedding, and it was tricky because I'm no longer the smallest competitor.  Instead I won by having the smallest dignity- a groomsman yelled out, "We've got a slider!"  That's not even my worst win.  Ten years ago, I snatched the bouquet right as my thirteen year old cousin's hands were closing in around it.  

3.)  Dance contests on the playground in grade school.  I'm a terrible dancer, but I can do the splits and forward handsprings.  That was enough razzle-dazzle to win all the recess competitions. 

4.)  The most sit ups in gym class.  I could be five hundred pounds and still have toned abs.  That's why I got a tattoo on my stomach when I was eighteen.  It was always the one part of my body I didn't mind showing people.  

5.)  Farthest sit and reach.  I'm flexible to the point it makes others uncomfortable. 

6.)  A horseradish eating contest.  Technically, no one won that.

7.)  In my early twenties, I won a best breasts contest in a hot tub against a girl who has really nice ones.     

8.)  At nineteen, I won a drinking contest at an Irish pub in Germany.  

9.)  I got a BFF trophy from Nathan Malachowski for Christmas in 2012.

10.)  Last year, someone submitted my name in the building party raffle, which I didn't attend, and I won a $10 gift certificate to Safeway. 

Woohoo!  I have D's, and I get all A's!  I'm the happiest girl in the world!