Ten Minutes of Conversation with Mom on the Patio while Trying to Write

(These quotes aren't in order.  But they very well could be.) 

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Mom:  Why do you need financial aid for school?  What for?

Me:  I don't quite know how to answer that without saying, "Duh."

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Mom:  Like, do you need tuition?  Living expenses?

Me:  I basically just want that big bill on the table from PSU paid.

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Mom:  Blah blah blah... (going on about the Ducks game.)

Me:  (quiet for three seconds.)

Mom:  I knew you didn't care.

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Mom:  Have you heard from...(insert friend's name)?  
Me:  Not in awhile.
Mom:  Oh.  That's too bad.  Their loss.

Me:  Why do you assume that if I haven't heard from someone, I'm being rejected.

Mom:  I don't know.  

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Mom:  (talking to the dog)  I wish you would tell me when you'd die.  Then I'd know whether or not I should get your teeth cleaned.

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Mom:  I'm sick of people.  And their things.  They always have things.

Me:  Maybe you should see a relationship counselor.  Then even if you're doing your part, that's still a healthier relationship.

Mom:  I don't have relationships.

Me:  Maybe that's exactly why you need to see a counselor.

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Me:  You're so funny!

Mom:  I'm so funny!  

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Mom:  (talking to the dog)  Your mouth smells!  (now talking to me)  Something crawled down his throat and died!

Me:  It didn't die.

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Mom:  My.  Your keyboard is worn out.  I can tell which keys you type with the most.  They're shiny.

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Mom:  You're healthy.  In many ways.  (Implying that I am unhealthy.  In many ways.)

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Me:  There isn't any more coffee.

Mom:  You drank a whole pot!

Me:  I had a cup.  There was a cup left.

Mom:  I made a whole pot!

Me:  Maybe I'm wrong!  Maybe there's more!

Mom:  (checking the coffee)  Oh!  You're not a liar.  The coffee is gone.

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Mom:  Eeeew (looking at the patio table in disgust).
Me:  Is that a cricket?
Mom:  I don't know.  Looks like one.
Me:  Do crickets fly?
Mom:  I think they jump.
Me:  Then it wasn't a cricket.

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Me:  Why do you assume I'll never find love?
Mom:  I think you should-that's the point!  I think a guy should love you and see how wonderful you are!  Get the damn dog off me.

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Inside that Budget van is my mother, who is, indeed, a handsome woman.