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July 3, 2015

Slow and Steady...

I've been trying to rewrite the memoir for a few years now.  Before I knew that people would be interested in my writing, it was easy to post a chapter per day.  Now every word is met with hesitation, embarrassment, vulnerability, and self-consciousness.  I spent thirty years unaware that I did anything well, and I still haven't adjusted to the information.

I suppose it's not that I didn't do anything WELL, per se, rather I wasn't extraordinary.  Do all of us long to be extraordinary?  Do we all have a need to be special?  To either have a special talent or feel special to a person?  

What snaps my little turtle head back into its shell aren't necessarily the criticisms in life; people are usually very kind and supportive- of which I am overwhelmingly grateful.  It's the confusion that frightens me.  Life is full of mixed messages that I can't navigate.  A few times, women have said that they admire the personal strength I show in my writing, then unfriended me on Facebook when I set boundaries.  As far as mixed messages by men... I've learned that I can get the stalkers to leave me alone by simply dating them.  

My goal is to finish the memoir while I still look like a soft-core librarian in my teal jacket so that if it does well, that can be my "look" on talk shows. 


Mmm...that's a thick book you've got there, baby. 


The Cooler

Things I never had much luck at:

1.)  School elections.  I'm terrified of public speaking and responsibility.  However, I really, really like making funny posters. 

2.)  School plays.  By senior year, I stopped caring and auditioned with the Hansen medley that was constantly playing in my head because my little sister was obsessed and running their CD nonstop in her room next door.

3.)  At 28, a cake eating contest.  The frosting tickles my throat.

4.)  At 9, a pizza eating contest.  I lost to a girl twenty pounds lighter.

5.)  Anything that required me to be a team player.

6.)  Blackjack.  I can't last more than two minutes at the table.  

7.)  Stocks.  Stocks I pick automatically fail.

8.)  Baby genders.  Whatever I guess, the baby will be the opposite-  100% of the time.  

9.)  Relationships.  My dead ancestors cringe as they watch our lineage die, each time I text, "I love you!" on first dates, while the gentleman is in the bathroom.  

10.)  Rope climb, arm-hang, or chin-ups.  I have small shoulders and wiener upper body strength.  Speaking of which- when I was in the sixth grade, I saw a boy get a boner during the arm hang.  Omg that was funny.   


Look at those loser shoulders, failing every presidential fitness test.  You get a job!  


The Winner

Competitions I have won:

1.)  Cake walks.  I've won every cake walk I've ever participated in.    

2.)  Wedding bouquets.  The very first one I caught was when I was ten and a junior bridesmaid in my sister's wedding.  The last one I caught was at Mark Trachtenbarg's wedding, and it was tricky because I'm no longer the smallest competitor.  Instead I won by having the smallest dignity- a groomsman yelled out, "We've got a slider!"  That's not even my worst win.  Ten years ago, I snatched the bouquet right as my thirteen year old cousin's hands were closing in around it.  

3.)  Dance contests on the playground in grade school.  I'm a terrible dancer, but I can do the splits and forward handsprings.  That was enough razzle-dazzle to win all the recess competitions. 

4.)  The most sit ups in gym class.  I could be five hundred pounds and still have toned abs.  That's why I got a tattoo on my stomach when I was eighteen.  It was always the one part of my body I didn't mind showing people.  

5.)  Farthest sit and reach.  I'm flexible to the point it makes others uncomfortable. 

6.)  A horseradish eating contest.  Technically, no one won that.

7.)  In my early twenties, I won a best breasts contest in a hot tub against a girl who has really nice ones.     

8.)  At nineteen, I won a drinking contest at an Irish pub in Germany.  

9.)  I got a BFF trophy from Nathan Malachowski for Christmas in 2012.

10.)  Last year, someone submitted my name in the building party raffle, which I didn't attend, and I won a $10 gift certificate to Safeway. 

Woohoo!  I have D's, and I get all A's!  I'm the happiest girl in the world!