August 14, 2015

Ten Scoops of Chowder

*Dedicated to Nathan "Chowder" Malachowski, aka The Big LeChowski, aka Nathan Bacon Deserves a Spankin', aka Natron, aka Flock of Seagulls, aka Leslie

1.  Nathan was my first boyfriend and still my best friend (except for Meghan, who is my BFF).  We met while we were in high school and eventually moved to Germany to become hair twins.
Nathan and Katt in Germany.  People mistook us for Nordic siblings, but he's 100% Polish, and I'm majority Native American.  Our jam sessions usually ended by him asking me to stop singing 'Nathan Is A Dirty Pole".  Later I wrote a song called, "This Song Isn't About You Nathan Malachowski, Geesh, Get Over Yourself.  Not Everything Is About You."

2.  Once a big black dude in a bar mistook him for my sister and began stroking his head.  Nathan thought it was me.  When he finally turned around, they were both were surprised.  

3.  My dad was hard of hearing and wouldn't do anything about it.  Man, it was annoying.  One night he came home after Nathan had fallen asleep on the living room couch and asked me who my friend was.  I whispered, "Nathan", and he responded "Pardon?" to which I loudly hissed, "Nathan!"..."What's that?"..."Nathan!!!"..."Who?"..."NATHAN!"..."Leslie?"  By then, my dad was standing next to Nathan's head, who was pretending to still be asleep and suppressing laughter.  When the room was clear, I observed to Nathan "You know, not one letter in those names is the same."

Dad and Baby Katt in Hawai'i.  He was Cherokee.  Notice that he looks like he belongs on a pack of tobacco, and I'm as white as an Irish mailman.  

4.  Another time, my brother kept calling my name at the patio and when I came in through the living room, he realized that he had mistaken Nathan for me.

5.  And another time, Nathan was driving my sister somewhere and a car of guys pulled up and said, "Hey ladies!" was just the two of them.

6.  And another, another time, he was driving both me and my sister somewhere, and a bunch of men in the sedan next to us at the stoplight said, "Hey!  A car full of ladies!"  When the light changed, they zoomed ahead, and I heard voice in the distance  remarking "Hey!  That one's a dude!"

7.  A few days ago, Nathan texted me with the tragic news that there was a giant, unreachable zit on his back, and I was powerless to help him because he moved to Austen, Texas a couple years ago.  

8.  For the record, when Nathan told his friends that he had sex on prom night, it was a lie.  He was up till 4am playing video games while I sat in my dress, drinking the beer he bought with the money his parents gave him for my corsage.
The Velour Goldmine

9.  As soon as I became Nathan's girlfriend, he ignored me.  I wasn't used to dating and unaware that ignoring me is standard protocol, so I didn't take it well.  In response, I went to a party at his parents' house (they were out of town), asked to speak privately, then sat on him until he agreed to be my friend and ordered him to call me the next day.  Sure enough, he called.  

10.  Nathan and I lived together on and off for years, usually sharing a bed despite the (mostly) platonic nature of our relationship.  When we moved to Freiburg, Germany, I lived in his dorm room, and we shared a twin size bed.   While sleeping, I'd hog the bed, and occasionally Nathan would wake up with burn marks on his side from where I pressed him into the heater.