July 3, 2015

The Cooler

Things I never had much luck at:

1.)  School elections.  I'm terrified of public speaking and responsibility.  However, I really, really like making funny posters. 

2.)  School plays.  By senior year, I stopped caring and auditioned with the Hansen medley that was constantly playing in my head because my little sister was obsessed and running their CD nonstop in her room next door.

3.)  At 28, a cake eating contest.  The frosting tickles my throat.

4.)  At 9, a pizza eating contest.  I lost to a girl twenty pounds lighter.

5.)  Anything that required me to be a team player.

6.)  Blackjack.  I can't last more than two minutes at the table.  

7.)  Stocks.  Stocks I pick automatically fail.

8.)  Baby genders.  Whatever I guess, the baby will be the opposite-  100% of the time.  

9.)  Relationships.  My dead ancestors cringe as they watch our lineage die, each time I text, "I love you!" on first dates, while the gentleman is in the bathroom.  

10.)  Rope climb, arm-hang, or chin-ups.  I have small shoulders and wiener upper body strength.  Speaking of which- when I was in the sixth grade, I saw a boy get a boner during the arm hang.  Omg that was funny.   

Look at those loser shoulders, failing every presidential fitness test.  You get a job!