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December 6, 2010

Things I've Done While People Were Sleeping

I have terrible sleep troubles.  They started when I was around seven, and mom doesn't understand because as a baby, I was her best sleeper.  All I did was eat, sleep, smile and poop.  In fact, I was so good that one day she burst into tears because she assumed that I must be disabled.  

Here are a few things I've done over the years as a creature of the night:



1.)  Painted Mark's toes bright red while he was passed out drunk on my couch in college.  A guy in the dorm showers pointed them out to him the following day.  


2.)  Lifted someone's head, took his pillow, fell asleep, woke up, lifted his head, and returned the pillow.  He woke up complaining of a stiff neck.  


3.)  Put a mullet wig on my sister, took a picture, then posted it on Facebook.  


4.)  Took someone's car keys and borrowed their car without them knowing.  


5.)  Fed a child forbidden ice cream.


6.)  Took a small slice off of each side of the piece of cake they were saving.  


7.)  Rifled through someone's pharmaceuticals.


8.)  Put every decoration in their house in a dirty position.


9.)  Found hidden cookies, candy, booze, etc. and replaced them with a note that said, "Shitty hiding job."  


10.)  Changed then sang a crying baby back to sleep.  Actually, I have done that several times while staying with people, until once I got caught, unaware that the parents could hear me on the baby monitor.  They said that it was the "sweetest thing ever"...even though I called their baby "My Little Birth Control Reminder". 


My sister, dreaming of winning the softball game.