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December 4, 2010

There Goes the Neighborhood...



Look who's talking! 
When my mom asks me to do something, I say, "Yes Linda sir."  She replies, "Call me 'mom'." and I say, "Yes mom sir." and she replies, "You're so weird."  This has been going on for years.


Mom Sir is out of town this weekend which means that it's time for me and my sister to decorate the miniature Christmas village and see how long it takes for her to notice and get offended.  Considering that it doesn't bother her that I call her by her first name and address her as a male, this isn't an easy task.   


Here's this year's plan:


1.)  Train Station is going to be a hobo camp.   


2.)  This year the church is converting from Kabbalah to Scientology.  Tom Cruise, Beck, Dharma, Bart Simpson's Voice and Kirstie Alley are going to be giving a lecture called, "Do You Hear What I Hear?  Unstable Celebrities Speak Out Against Psychiatry".  John Travolta's plane will be parked out back.  


3.)  The firehouse will now be a gay night club called "Smoke n' Poles".  It will be between the town hall, which is hosting gay weddings, and the gay wedding boutique called "Pretty and Witty". 

4.)  The brick building will be a sleazy motel with hourly rates.  One of the porcelain caroler figurines will be looking for a good time.  The maestro will don a fuzzy coat and be holding the money and tiny bag of crack.  Parked out back will be Santa's sled.  (The actual Santa is in the hobo camp in the dining room).   



5.)  The 50's camper trailer will be converted into a quarantined meth lab.    


6.)  The school house will now be a learning annex for air conditioner repair and the bartending academy.  Or else it will be a middle school hosting a production of Dracula (starring my niece Emmalie).  Or else it will be Jesuit High School and I'll be in the parking lot teaching my nerdy friends how to smoke.  


7,)  The house will be a medical clinic.  The proctologist will be Dr. Hugh Jasman.  The urologists will be Dr. Richard Pecker, Dr. William Johnson, Dr. Peter Boehner, and Dr. Woodrow Wiener.  The gynecologist will be Linda Adams CNM. 


8.)  The town hall will be Portland's and the gay marriage licenses are signed between 10am-2pm and medical marijuana cards from 2pm-5pm.  


9.)  The house next door will now be a NYC mosque.  If mom asks me why New York, I'll ask, "Why?  Is it still too close to ground zero?"


10.)  The farm house will be called "Up North" and out back will be tiny crosses for all the beloved pets of my childhood.  


One of the boxcars is going to be smuggling something but I'm not sure if it will be cocaine, Mexican gardeners, or bootlegged Twilight DVDs.