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December 1, 2010

The War on Decorating

It's that magical time of year when people bitch and moan about the "war on Christmas".  Personally, I like it because I don't have to decorate what I find morally offensive.  For example:


1.  No manger scenes.  Most of them come with a very WASPy looking baby Jesus.  It's rather unlikely that Jesus was so darling with blond curly hair and dimples.  Remember, Judas had to point him out.  It would have been much easier to say, "He's that dreamboat over there."  So I find Aryan Jesus inaccurate and a symbol of white supremacy.  No manger scene.


2.)  No Santa Claus... I think his name comes from Sinterklaas which is a Dutch version of St. Nicholas (Sint Nicholaas).  He's the patron saint of Amsterdam.  While I like St. Nicholas (after all, he did slap a man for righteousness sake), I spent enough time in Amsterdam not to trust any gift giving.  Do you want your kids ending up with a stocking full of Amstel Light, weed, and trafficked hookers?  Or even worse, those cheesy blue and white, kissing figurines?  Of course not. 


3.)  No snowmen.  Aye, snowmen.  I haven't met one snowman that my sister hasn't stuck a carrot where the wiener should be.  The neighbors are already suspicious of us because we're the only house without lights. 


4.)  No lights.  Decorative lights are a poor example of fiscal responsibility.  Perhaps we should light up the neighborhood with a bonfire of flaming money instead.   


5.)  No trees.  What are the hippies going to hug instead?  I don't want them going after me, getting their patchouli oil and bumper stickers that say "Hooked on chronic works for me!" all over the place.  (Fact:  I actually put that bumper sticker on my first car at seventeen.  Probably while wearing patchouli.)


6.)  No reindeer.  They're foreign imports taking away jobs from our hard-working American deer.  Besides, they don't really fly.  Unless you've had too much eggnog.  


7.)  No eggonog- it's just salmonella in a cup.,  


8.)  No mistletoe.  I always get stuck with the dog.  Now he acts weird around me and won't return my calls.  


9.)  No snowflakes.  They think they're special.  


10.)  Yes to matching family pajamas.  Please Carolyn?  Man we'd look adorable!