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November 26, 2010

Dehydrated Memories

Last year I didn't decorate for Christmas until December 23rd, so I'm getting an early start this year.  Good thing too because it's not easy locating the Christmas stuff in the storage room.  I have to use logic to determine whether or not the items in the box are holiday decorations or the actual item that is pictured on the box.   For example:


There's a box for diapers.  Despite my recent blog about my sister, no one in this house has actually worn diapers since the 80's.  Jackpot!  It's Christmas ornaments.  


There's a box for Asian pears- a lot of them apparently.  No matter how inventive the Asians are, it's unlikely their fruit could last this long.  Jackpot!  It's a wreath.  


There's a box for a 1970's popcorn maker.  Now who actually owns a 1970's popcorn maker?  Oh.  Apparently we do.  


I also finally located our Thanksgiving decorations, not that I had looked for them.  The centerpiece should be the turkey, not a clay pilgrim holding a rolling pin.  That doesn't even make sense.  Is she trying to clobber the paper mache turkeys?  I can't blame her.  They're hideous.  


There is also a bunch of camping gear crammed in.  I put the inner tube in the box where the giant wreath goes because it looks silly.  We blew up the tube in the 90's and it was such a chore that we keep it that way.  Otherwise we would have to buy something to blow it up in the future and we stopped buying camping gear when I became old enough to say, "Hell no."  Family camping trips were our yearly attempts at bonding through forced togetherness.  Apparently it works for skin heads and gang bangers in boot camp.  But not the Adams.  


Behind all the camping gear, way in the back, was the food dehydrator that I had begged for.  After a week of nonstop pooping, someone took it and hid it from me.  It was a small price to pay for watermelon jerky, in my opinion.  


And guess what was in the food dehydrator?  Asian pears.  Huh.  Apparently they can last this long.  















November 24, 2010

I'm Not Much of a Blog Post Title Comer-Upper-Wither

I'm so glad my high school didn't have a debate team.  When people try to argue with me, I either say, "You make a good point." or  I throw something.  If I can't throw something (like there are witnesses nearby), I start to fall asleep in my apathy cocoon.  I'm just not an arguer.


I'm also not much of an advice dispenser.  How do I know what's best for someone else?  Sometimes people will ask me directly for advice but usually they don't actually want advice.  They want someone to listen to them and support whatever decision they choose.


I'm also not much of an "authority figure".  Like, if the dog wants to eat the garbage, I say, "Well, that makes sense.  I bet it smells delicious."  Or if a kid wants cookies for lunch, I think, "Yay!  So do I!"  Then when their parents tell them "no", I inform them that being an adult is awesome because I can do whatever the fuck I want.  


  

November 23, 2010

eCarded

Thanksgiving is in two days and so I'm working on the e-cards I'm going to write.  


Here are a few:


*Remember when I told you that your holiday plans were bullshit?  Apparently God agreed.  Get well soon!

*My people thank you for the firewater and syphilis.  Enjoy the maize!  
*Thank you in advance for preparing, cooking, cleaning up, and bitterly complaining about it until Christmas.  

*I appreciate you coming to town for a holiday that I'm not obligated to buy you a present for.  

That's all I've got so far...


November 22, 2010

My Scathing Review of a Middle School Play

 . 
Last Saturday, I saw my niece Emmalie her middle school production of Dracula.  My favorite part was the witty banter between me and my older sister under our breaths.  We enjoyed the urbanized slang the upper middle-class white kids had thrown into the play to add a fresh, youthful perspective.  I could totally hear the "z" on the ends of words.

During intermission, my sister worked the concession stand where they sold candy and carnations- because nothing says, "I felt obligated." like a carnation.  When I approached, a little Asian girl gave me her seat.  I was surprised by her manners (kids "these days" allegedly have none) and asked her, "Don't you want to sit?"  She shook her head, so I sat down. 



I bought some Starbursts and offered her one.  She declined and I said, "Let me rephrase that.  Would you like some candy from a stranger?"  That got me a cute little smile back.  I asked where her mom was and when she pointed out an older, very pale white lady, I almost blurted out, "I think you were adopted!"  but refrained because I didn't have the heart to tell her.


The play concluded with Vlad the Impaler being choked by the scent of garlic because stakes were considered weapons and banned from the production.  Then for the finale, all the kids danced to Thriller, Philippine prison style- though lacking the island spirit.  Dracula is supposed to be scary and these kids were cute- not scary.  


Know what was scary?  Upon our exit, my brother-in-law's parents told me that they have an American car from 1976 with 293,000 miles on it.  Freaky.  Though I suspect it's actually an Asian car in disguise... I just didn't have the heart to tell them. 
  


November 12, 2010

Hot Pants

I don't know why my sister felt the need to model adult diapers for me...but let's enjoy the image together: 

Don't be mislead- you really can't "depend" on her. 





November 3, 2010

Unnecessary Spoiler Alerts

I did some research.  Turns out Marilyn Monroe was NOT a size 14.  She was 5'5" with a 22" waist and weighed roughly 120lbs most of her career.   At her heaviest she got up to about 140lbs and was a size 10.  


Also, 


The "blue" in blue cheese is mold 


The cuter and more mistreated an animal is, the better it tastes.


The Tooth-Fairy doesn't exist but rather alternated between Sam and Linda Adams in the 1980s.


Your toy dog is probably annoying.


Rollerblades were never cool.


Smoking is awesome.


Making lemonade only encourages life to give you more lemons.


Jesus hung out with hookers and thieves, so He probably can handle you yelling, "God damn!" when you stub your toe.  


When my new Indian tribal card comes in the mail, I will henceforth refer to most of you as "white man". 


Guns don't kill people, people who misinterpret the constitution do.   


While I love my Orthodox brothers and sisters, I don't entirely trust the ethnicities their churches are associated with.  


The movie Casablanca is really boring.  










   

November 2, 2010

Let's Assume This is Your Third Day of Eating Nothing But Halloween Candy...

I'm pretty sure there's a quota of misdeeds that we're required to make to keep us from judging the morality of others.  These include:

1.)  Dropping a baby
2.)  Going to jail
3.)  Getting drunk in the morning
4.)  Cheating on a partner
5.)  Shoplifting cosmetics
6.)  Doing something gay
7.)  Stealing money
8.)  Breaking wind in a crowded elevator
9.)  Driving impaired
10.)  Eating only candy for days
11.)  Making fun of a fat kid

My advice is to get this over with all at once.