Translate

December 22, 2010

Ten Things That Would Scare Me

1.)  If a snake climbed out of the toilet and bit me in the lady parts. 


2.)  If someone spiked my drink.


3.)  If I found out that my mom and dad were actually brother and sister.  Or sister and uncle.  Or some incestual variation that didn't come with royal inheritance.


4.)  If a dead person climbed out of the casket and started singing, "Hello my baby!  Hello my honey!  Hello my ragtime gal..."


5.)  If someone replaced my butter with a butter substitute and tried to make a dated joke about it without involving Fabio. 


6.)  If robbers broke into the house and the dog bit them instead of my sister. (You read that correctly).


7.)  If the dog's hair was actually a fur coat, and he worked late into the night as a pimp.  


8.)  If it snowed yellow snow and when people peed, it made a white spot.


9.)  If my mom started borrowing my clothes.


10.)  If my snow village came to life and made a miniature town of my life called, "Katmandoodie".    

December 16, 2010

Wiener Wonderland: From Russian with Love

The priest arrives at the Russian Orthodox Church...

This Christmas- enough vodka, borscht, and toilet paper for everyone! 

December 15, 2010

Wiener Wonderland: Breaking News!

The meth lab in Wiener Wonderland just got busted. 

"There's gonna be less 'ice' this Christmas, boys!"

December 11, 2010

My Sister is a Shithead



Where's the toilet paper Carolyn?  I see a toilet, a black hook where the toilet paper goes, but alas, no toilet paper.  


You were the last person to use the bathroom.  Who does that Carolyn?  Seriously, who does that?  Who leaves the next person without toilet paper?  



December 10, 2010

Wiener Wonderland: Ho No!

...and over at the men's restroom down at the train station:

Jingle Balls



Wiener Wonderland: Ho Ho...

Mom's snow village just got a couple hookers. 

Jingle Belles

December 9, 2010

Goodbye Yellow Stained Road...

Munch much...what what?

The other day Pivo and I were snuggling on the couch and I was chewing on his ear.  I do that sometimes when I'm trying to make a decision.  We were trying to decide the best way for him to meet his maker.  



See, he bit my sister twice the other night and her hands look like puffer fish.  Usually when he bites her, I give him Snausages but my sister doesn't have insurance and the ER bills are expensive.  


Also, I think his bathroom activity in the house is out of spite.  I noticed that he waits till we're inside before he makes his BMs.  Perhaps it's because he knows I'm plotting his death.


So far we are considering making a snuff film, killing him Dexter style (with pictures of his poop in front of him to see what heinous crimes he has committed), murder/suicide pact, or a blindfolded game of William Tell. 


This probably isn't funny to anyone who loves his/her dog, but Pivo is 9 years old and has bad arthritis.


Oh yeah, and I'm in complete denial.  



December 6, 2010

Things I've Done While People Were Sleeping

I have terrible sleep troubles.  They started when I was around seven, and mom doesn't understand because as a baby, I was her best sleeper.  All I did was eat, sleep, smile and poop.  In fact, I was so good that one day she burst into tears because she assumed that I must be disabled.  

Here are a few things I've done over the years as a creature of the night:



1.)  Painted Mark's toes bright red while he was passed out drunk on my couch in college.  A guy in the dorm showers pointed them out to him the following day.  


2.)  Lifted someone's head, took his pillow, fell asleep, woke up, lifted his head, and returned the pillow.  He woke up complaining of a stiff neck.  


3.)  Put a mullet wig on my sister, took a picture, then posted it on Facebook.  


4.)  Took someone's car keys and borrowed their car without them knowing.  


5.)  Fed a child forbidden ice cream.


6.)  Took a small slice off of each side of the piece of cake they were saving.  


7.)  Rifled through someone's pharmaceuticals.


8.)  Put every decoration in their house in a dirty position.


9.)  Found hidden cookies, candy, booze, etc. and replaced them with a note that said, "Shitty hiding job."  


10.)  Changed then sang a crying baby back to sleep.  Actually, I have done that several times while staying with people, until once I got caught, unaware that the parents could hear me on the baby monitor.  They said that it was the "sweetest thing ever"...even though I called their baby "My Little Birth Control Reminder". 


My sister, dreaming of winning the softball game. 




December 4, 2010

There Goes the Neighborhood...



Look who's talking! 
When my mom asks me to do something, I say, "Yes Linda sir."  She replies, "Call me 'mom'." and I say, "Yes mom sir." and she replies, "You're so weird."  This has been going on for years.


Mom Sir is out of town this weekend which means that it's time for me and my sister to decorate the miniature Christmas village and see how long it takes for her to notice and get offended.  Considering that it doesn't bother her that I call her by her first name and address her as a male, this isn't an easy task.   


Here's this year's plan:


1.)  Train Station is going to be a hobo camp.   


2.)  This year the church is converting from Kabbalah to Scientology.  Tom Cruise, Beck, Dharma, Bart Simpson's Voice and Kirstie Alley are going to be giving a lecture called, "Do You Hear What I Hear?  Unstable Celebrities Speak Out Against Psychiatry".  John Travolta's plane will be parked out back.  


3.)  The firehouse will now be a gay night club called "Smoke n' Poles".  It will be between the town hall, which is hosting gay weddings, and the gay wedding boutique called "Pretty and Witty". 

4.)  The brick building will be a sleazy motel with hourly rates.  One of the porcelain caroler figurines will be looking for a good time.  The maestro will don a fuzzy coat and be holding the money and tiny bag of crack.  Parked out back will be Santa's sled.  (The actual Santa is in the hobo camp in the dining room).   



5.)  The 50's camper trailer will be converted into a quarantined meth lab.    


6.)  The school house will now be a learning annex for air conditioner repair and the bartending academy.  Or else it will be a middle school hosting a production of Dracula (starring my niece Emmalie).  Or else it will be Jesuit High School and I'll be in the parking lot teaching my nerdy friends how to smoke.  


7,)  The house will be a medical clinic.  The proctologist will be Dr. Hugh Jasman.  The urologists will be Dr. Richard Pecker, Dr. William Johnson, Dr. Peter Boehner, and Dr. Woodrow Wiener.  The gynecologist will be Linda Adams CNM. 


8.)  The town hall will be Portland's and the gay marriage licenses are signed between 10am-2pm and medical marijuana cards from 2pm-5pm.  


9.)  The house next door will now be a NYC mosque.  If mom asks me why New York, I'll ask, "Why?  Is it still too close to ground zero?"


10.)  The farm house will be called "Up North" and out back will be tiny crosses for all the beloved pets of my childhood.  


One of the boxcars is going to be smuggling something but I'm not sure if it will be cocaine, Mexican gardeners, or bootlegged Twilight DVDs.   



December 3, 2010

Sexier Pregnant Teenagers

I found out why my blog was so popular in the UK.  Apparently it pops up when "sexy pregnant teenagers" is put into the Google search engine.  Do I really want such a perverted audience?  Let me answer with this:

Here's a picture of the dog dressed up as me in high school:

Someone can't hold his roofies. 

My Dog Used to Be Sexier

People would ask about Pivo and I would tell them, "He's sexy."  They thought that was weird until they would meet him and say, "Indeed!  That's one sexy dog."  He was muscular with long limbs and would stand with his head high, regal looking.  Sometimes when it was windy, his jowls would flap in the wind.  
Old Man Piver
He is nine now which is old for a Great Dane.  I don't want to deal with the uncomfortable emotions of losing him, so I've considered hiring a hit man.  He would sneak into the house while we're away, kill the dog, and dispose of his remains.  Perhaps he can leave the head in my sister's bed while she's sleeping to remind her what happens to snitches.

 I'm thinking that my Christmas card this year should be a picture of us smiling with the caption, "This is Pivo's last Christmas!"  Last year's card was a picture of my sister scowling as my mom used her as a mannequin for a Santa robe she was sewing for my brother.  The caption read, "Merry fucking Christmas.  From, The Adams"










December 1, 2010

The War on Decorating

It's that magical time of year when people bitch and moan about the "war on Christmas".  Personally, I like it because I don't have to decorate what I find morally offensive.  For example:


1.  No manger scenes.  Most of them come with a very WASPy looking baby Jesus.  It's rather unlikely that Jesus was so darling with blond curly hair and dimples.  Remember, Judas had to point him out.  It would have been much easier to say, "He's that dreamboat over there."  So I find Aryan Jesus inaccurate and a symbol of white supremacy.  No manger scene.


2.)  No Santa Claus... I think his name comes from Sinterklaas which is a Dutch version of St. Nicholas (Sint Nicholaas).  He's the patron saint of Amsterdam.  While I like St. Nicholas (after all, he did slap a man for righteousness sake), I spent enough time in Amsterdam not to trust any gift giving.  Do you want your kids ending up with a stocking full of Amstel Light, weed, and trafficked hookers?  Or even worse, those cheesy blue and white, kissing figurines?  Of course not. 


3.)  No snowmen.  Aye, snowmen.  I haven't met one snowman that my sister hasn't stuck a carrot where the wiener should be.  The neighbors are already suspicious of us because we're the only house without lights. 


4.)  No lights.  Decorative lights are a poor example of fiscal responsibility.  Perhaps we should light up the neighborhood with a bonfire of flaming money instead.   


5.)  No trees.  What are the hippies going to hug instead?  I don't want them going after me, getting their patchouli oil and bumper stickers that say "Hooked on chronic works for me!" all over the place.  (Fact:  I actually put that bumper sticker on my first car at seventeen.  Probably while wearing patchouli.)


6.)  No reindeer.  They're foreign imports taking away jobs from our hard-working American deer.  Besides, they don't really fly.  Unless you've had too much eggnog.  


7.)  No eggonog- it's just salmonella in a cup.,  


8.)  No mistletoe.  I always get stuck with the dog.  Now he acts weird around me and won't return my calls.  


9.)  No snowflakes.  They think they're special.  


10.)  Yes to matching family pajamas.  Please Carolyn?  Man we'd look adorable!    




November 26, 2010

Dehydrated Memories

Last year I didn't decorate for Christmas until December 23rd, so I'm getting an early start this year.  Good thing too because it's not easy locating the Christmas stuff in the storage room.  I have to use logic to determine whether or not the items in the box are holiday decorations or the actual item that is pictured on the box.   For example:


There's a box for diapers.  Despite my recent blog about my sister, no one in this house has actually worn diapers since the 80's.  Jackpot!  It's Christmas ornaments.  


There's a box for Asian pears- a lot of them apparently.  No matter how inventive the Asians are, it's unlikely their fruit could last this long.  Jackpot!  It's a wreath.  


There's a box for a 1970's popcorn maker.  Now who actually owns a 1970's popcorn maker?  Oh.  Apparently we do.  


I also finally located our Thanksgiving decorations, not that I had looked for them.  The centerpiece should be the turkey, not a clay pilgrim holding a rolling pin.  That doesn't even make sense.  Is she trying to clobber the paper mache turkeys?  I can't blame her.  They're hideous.  


There is also a bunch of camping gear crammed in.  I put the inner tube in the box where the giant wreath goes because it looks silly.  We blew up the tube in the 90's and it was such a chore that we keep it that way.  Otherwise we would have to buy something to blow it up in the future and we stopped buying camping gear when I became old enough to say, "Hell no."  Family camping trips were our yearly attempts at bonding through forced togetherness.  Apparently it works for skin heads and gang bangers in boot camp.  But not the Adams.  


Behind all the camping gear, way in the back, was the food dehydrator that I had begged for.  After a week of nonstop pooping, someone took it and hid it from me.  It was a small price to pay for watermelon jerky, in my opinion.  


And guess what was in the food dehydrator?  Asian pears.  Huh.  Apparently they can last this long.  















November 24, 2010

I'm Not Much of a Blog Post Title Comer-Upper-Wither

I'm so glad my high school didn't have a debate team.  When people try to argue with me, I either say, "You make a good point." or  I throw something.  If I can't throw something (like there are witnesses nearby), I start to fall asleep in my apathy cocoon.  I'm just not an arguer.


I'm also not much of an advice dispenser.  How do I know what's best for someone else?  Sometimes people will ask me directly for advice but usually they don't actually want advice.  They want someone to listen to them and support whatever decision they choose.


I'm also not much of an "authority figure".  Like, if the dog wants to eat the garbage, I say, "Well, that makes sense.  I bet it smells delicious."  Or if a kid wants cookies for lunch, I think, "Yay!  So do I!"  Then when their parents tell them "no", I inform them that being an adult is awesome because I can do whatever the fuck I want.  


  

November 23, 2010

eCarded

Thanksgiving is in two days and so I'm working on the e-cards I'm going to write.  


Here are a few:


*Remember when I told you that your holiday plans were bullshit?  Apparently God agreed.  Get well soon!

*My people thank you for the firewater and syphilis.  Enjoy the maize!  
*Thank you in advance for preparing, cooking, cleaning up, and bitterly complaining about it until Christmas.  

*I appreciate you coming to town for a holiday that I'm not obligated to buy you a present for.  

That's all I've got so far...


November 22, 2010

My Scathing Review of a Middle School Play

 . 
Last Saturday, I saw my niece Emmalie her middle school production of Dracula.  My favorite part was the witty banter between me and my older sister under our breaths.  We enjoyed the urbanized slang the upper middle-class white kids had thrown into the play to add a fresh, youthful perspective.  I could totally hear the "z" on the ends of words.

During intermission, my sister worked the concession stand where they sold candy and carnations- because nothing says, "I felt obligated." like a carnation.  When I approached, a little Asian girl gave me her seat.  I was surprised by her manners (kids "these days" allegedly have none) and asked her, "Don't you want to sit?"  She shook her head, so I sat down. 



I bought some Starbursts and offered her one.  She declined and I said, "Let me rephrase that.  Would you like some candy from a stranger?"  That got me a cute little smile back.  I asked where her mom was and when she pointed out an older, very pale white lady, I almost blurted out, "I think you were adopted!"  but refrained because I didn't have the heart to tell her.


The play concluded with Vlad the Impaler being choked by the scent of garlic because stakes were considered weapons and banned from the production.  Then for the finale, all the kids danced to Thriller, Philippine prison style- though lacking the island spirit.  Dracula is supposed to be scary and these kids were cute- not scary.  


Know what was scary?  Upon our exit, my brother-in-law's parents told me that they have an American car from 1976 with 293,000 miles on it.  Freaky.  Though I suspect it's actually an Asian car in disguise... I just didn't have the heart to tell them. 
  


November 12, 2010

Hot Pants

I don't know why my sister felt the need to model adult diapers for me...but let's enjoy the image together: 

Don't be mislead- you really can't "depend" on her. 





November 3, 2010

Unnecessary Spoiler Alerts

I did some research.  Turns out Marilyn Monroe was NOT a size 14.  She was 5'5" with a 22" waist and weighed roughly 120lbs most of her career.   At her heaviest she got up to about 140lbs and was a size 10.  


Also, 


The "blue" in blue cheese is mold 


The cuter and more mistreated an animal is, the better it tastes.


The Tooth-Fairy doesn't exist but rather alternated between Sam and Linda Adams in the 1980s.


Your toy dog is probably annoying.


Rollerblades were never cool.


Smoking is awesome.


Making lemonade only encourages life to give you more lemons.


Jesus hung out with hookers and thieves, so He probably can handle you yelling, "God damn!" when you stub your toe.  


When my new Indian tribal card comes in the mail, I will henceforth refer to most of you as "white man". 


Guns don't kill people, people who misinterpret the constitution do.   


While I love my Orthodox brothers and sisters, I don't entirely trust the ethnicities their churches are associated with.  


The movie Casablanca is really boring.  










   

November 2, 2010

Let's Assume This is Your Third Day of Eating Nothing But Halloween Candy...

I'm pretty sure there's a quota of misdeeds that we're required to make to keep us from judging the morality of others.  These include:

1.)  Dropping a baby
2.)  Going to jail
3.)  Getting drunk in the morning
4.)  Cheating on a partner
5.)  Shoplifting cosmetics
6.)  Doing something gay
7.)  Stealing money
8.)  Breaking wind in a crowded elevator
9.)  Driving impaired
10.)  Eating only candy for days
11.)  Making fun of a fat kid

My advice is to get this over with all at once.

July 11, 2010

I Said "Sweep".

Here's Pivo sleeping on the job. 
For your viewing displeasure, Pivo has since gotten bloat and died.  I miss him.  Please give me a hug.  

June 21, 2010

Sexy Pregnant Teenagers


I'm curious to see if my profile views will increase with this blog post title.  Here's a picture of my sister Carolyn and her dog Pivo playing doggie dentist.  I hear other families play Scrabble. 
"I'm going to need you to hold still and ignore the fireworks and thunderstorm."

"Ewww! He's Eating the Vomit!"

Here's a drunk story... 

Many years ago I projectile vomited on a friend during a party, then cleaned it up and kept talking to him like nothing had happened.  


Later that same night, I went outside to talk to a neighbor and vomited in the bushes, then, once again, continued talking as though nothing had happened.  The dog came over to eat the vomit and the neighbor said, "Ewww...he's eating the vomit."  I just shrugged it off, like she was overreacting.  


My drinking only got worse after that, and I didn't get sober until four years later.  



 

June 4, 2010

SANTA PAWS

Suck it, PETA!
  

Pivie Wonder

Here's Pivo playing the bones. 
Tickling the ivories


Underdog


This is Pivo's impression of a University of Oregon student. 
I don't find it disrespectful to associate Bob Marley's legacy with the ganga culture instead of his activism and music.  I also think cereal is an appropriate breakfast...at 2pm.  I also suck and deserve a tennis ball to the crotch.  

Batushka Pivo


"May God bless you with health, children, soap, and hard-work". 
This is Pivo's impression of a Russian Orthodox priest. 

June 3, 2010

Oh, Me.


"A chortle, a chortle..."

"...n' guffaw!!!"
Here are pictures of me last July laughing hysterically at a joke I made.  It was over 100 degrees, and I sat in that car without air conditioning, taking picture after picture of myself until I captured the essence of how hilarious my joke was. 

April 27, 2010

For A Special Someone

Some of the nicest looking legs I've ever seen are on a 50 something former crack addict.  She also has a great rack.  


xo

March 11, 2010

Wiki-Hair 2: Getting Some Trim, Baby


Out of picture:  tight jeans with nut-sack tucked to the side.   

I cut my hair again.  
I couldn't find any decent scissors so I used the ones in the kitchen mom uses to cut through chicken fat.  Now I look like a 70's pornographer.  Not an actor though...more like the assistant director of lighting.  Or the boom mike operator.    

March 2, 2010

It's Worth Admitting I Shop at Ross to Post This...

Of course I shop at Ross.  How else do you think I afford my assorted skorts and jeggings?   
It's the Lenton season in the Eastern Orthodox Church which means abstaining from meat, dairy, eggs, fish, wine, oil, sexual intercourse, and so on.  When I tell people, they say, "Giving up sex?  That'd be too difficult for me!"...but it's actually pretty easy when you're eating bean soup all the time and no one wants to be around you.  

   

February 22, 2010

Pissed Pissedofferson



Here is a list of things to never, ever say to people:

To the heartbroken:
-You'll meet someone! (Really, you know this?  You're a clairvoyant elder?  Then tell me when.)
-What a jerk!  (Umm...there's probably a reason why there's heartache and not cheering.)
-You have plenty of time!  (Perhaps on your timeline).

To the grieving:
-It'll be okay!  (REALLY????  FANTASTIC!!)
-It could've been worse...(It also could've been better.)
-So and so has it worse.  (Now I have two sads.)

To those commenting on me watching Saturday Night Live:
- ...not like back when it was good!

Thoughtless Things People Have Actually Said to Me
-When I was too stressed and lost a lot of weight: "Just 10 more pounds to go!"
-When I got lithium poisoning: "You're looking great!  Whatever you're doing, keep it up!"
-When I got down to my healthy, natural weight:  "So you have about 30lbs left to lose?"

Left-Wing Celebrities
-Bruce Springsteen
-Kris Kristofferson 
-Paul Newman (awww...)
-Brad Pitt
-Al Gore (I still think you're dreamy.)
-Tom Hanks
Right-Wing Celebrities
-The Rock
-Larry-the-Cable-Guy
-Arnold Schwarzenegger 
-Tobey Keith
-Jessica Simpson
-Mel Gibson

I'll let you think that over...


February 16, 2010

Frau Butterworth


    
Back when I lived with Liza in 1930's Berlin...
That's me at 20 years old.  This picture was taken at one of my notorious "pimp n' ho" parties in  Germany.  I am only 20something for another 40 minutes or so.  Instead of dressing like a prostitute, I plan on wearing pink sweatshirts with kittens on them, denim jeans with a nine inch zipper and elastic waist band, white keds decorated with puff paints...oh yeah, and scrunchies.  Scrunchies galore.   



     Earlier today, I put Smart Balance spread on my pancakes and covered them with sugar-free maple syrup.  As soon as my mom reminded me it's my birthday tomorrow, I cried out, "What am I doing!?" and grabbed the butter and Mrs. Butterworths.  I'm still invincible till midnight.     

February 8, 2010

Muffins are Tops


You know, I really hope to have kids someday but if I never get pregnant, that's fine by me.  Perhaps I'll marry a man with kids of his own and it'll be like when I buy shampoo and it comes with a bonus conditioner. 

You know what's really awesome?  Adoption.  It's like someone baked a cake for nine months and then when it was done, I said, "Thanks!  I'll be taking that."  Yeah, I hope to adopt lots of muffins.   

  

February 6, 2010

On the Edge of the 17th


Despite looking like a Playboy Bunny at 19, I've never met a republican rich enough worth marrying. 

I imagine on February 17th, when I turn 30, my body will suddenly melt, and I'll walk around with a turkey neck and jowls... 

My unmentionables will fit me like sausage casing...  

The men who liked me last year will suddenly be dating women two years younger, 15lbs lighter, and two inches taller...  

Sugar Daddy qualifications will officially be at the 50+ mark... 

The milk in the 'fridge will shift from 2% to 1%...  

When teenage boys point me out to their friends in Fred Meyer's, I'll be referred to as "the cougar"...  

If I smile and wave back, I'll be referred to as "the pervert"...  

Long bangs and tinted glasses will be my style again, not to mask a glassy stare, but crows feet and dark bags...  

Married men will admit to being married...  

My premature graying will no longer be considered "premature"... 

Women my age will be pregnant with their second child... 

I will find myself singing along to music in department stores...  

Juniors clothes will look ridiculous on me...

and so on.

January 7, 2010

Queen Kathleen


Torn up and put away wet. 

When I walked into Hooper detox January 2nd, 2007, my piss tested positive for alcohol, heroin and cocaine.  (And had been for many years).  This picture was taken 4 days ago on the 3 year anniversary of my sobriety.  See how happy I am?  


Know how awful it is when you get one of those sharp itches on your back in a place that you can't scratch?  That was the first 26 years of my life.  Then one day I asked God to reach it and not only did it go away, He promised it'd never come back if I didn't want it to.   


We have a deal:  the more grateful I am for what God gives me, the more God gives me to be grateful for.  

January 1, 2010

I Ruv U!

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVE!!!

The dog put a love letter on a napkin in mom's lunch.