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October 28, 2009

Wiki-Hair

As I part with my beloved Iggy, he serenades me..."I am the passenger..."

I decided that it was silly to spend money on a haircut when I can simply develop a new talent.  So, I went to WikiHow and looked up how to give myself a haircut.  Sure enough, there were instructions.  I'm going for the "outgrown mullet" look these days.

October 16, 2009

Freshest Catch of the Day!

           
Since two friends of me who are both awesome and attractive have profiles on matchmaking websites, I wondered, "Was I a jerk in assuming that all lonely single people are ugly losers?"  This sparked my curiosity and I had to look.   
     In order to view people, I had to make a profile and they insisted on a snazzy headline.  Since I'm not looking for a good time or the gun show,  I racked my brain for something repulsive.  For extra measure, I added the picture of me eating cheesecake in the morning.  
     They ended up turning down my profile even though my winning headline was, "Wanna Live With A Mother-In-Law?".
     Now I have a dream of creating a bunch of profiles with different horrible headlines to see what kind of weirdos would be interested.  Here are some of my ideas:


* It's The Middle Of The Afternoon And I'm Still In My Bathrobe.
* I'm On Meds I Shouldn't Get Pregnant On.
* I'm Crying While Typing This.
* I Like To Correct People.
* I'm Not Into Lesbian Stuff.
* My Eggs Are Getting Dusty.
* I Feel Sorry For Myself For Being Almost Thirty And Single.
* I Miss Smoking Dope.
* I'll Probably Get Fat Someday.
* I'm Not A Psycho- Otherwise They Wouldn't Have Released Me.
* I'm Not A Fan Of Daily Showers.
* No Fornicators Please.
* I Complain About My Weight, Like, A Lot.
* I Don't Drink But My Standards Are Still Surprisingly Low.
* I Thrive On Male Attention.


Come to think of it, it was the middle of the afternoon when I wrote that, and I was still in the purple bathrobe...oh hell. 




October 11, 2009

Too Long for my Twitter Feed

Today I scooped up a wiggly kid and said, "I remember holding you when you were a baby!"  My friend next to me said, "I bet he was easier to hold back then." and I said, "No, he's easier to hold now.  Because I'm sober."

October 3, 2009

Full of Hot, Filtered Water


People get on my case for not having a "filter" when, indeed, I do have one.  What am I NOT saying?  Mostly it's just correcting people in my head and making zingers that would shame both of us if said out loud.  
Here is some stuff I choked back in the past:

*Turtles don't give birth, you idiot- they leg eggs.  If it gave birth, it'd have, like, 200 nipples.  

*You're not deaf.  I know this because that is not sign language.  That is you flapping your hands around pretending you're signing.  It's about as similar as me pressing a doorbell and saying I'm speaking Vietnamese. 

*Your stories now have officially contradicted each other.  So which time were you lying?

*Yes you said it, and yes it was mean.  I don't need to defend myself, and if you want hallucinations instead of memories, be my guest, but I'm not going to reason with them.  

*It's "between you and me" not "between you and I"!  "Between" is a preposition!  Would you say "between we"? 

* Voluptuous means "sexually arousing" or something, not fat.  And voluptuous was the word you meant when you said, "valumptuous".  


*I think you keep harping on me to work out because you think I need to lose weight.  No one cares about someone else's health that much.  

*Of course he's gay!  It's not homophobic to call someone gay if he's actually gay.  Some people don't have to come out of the closet because they never went in.  

*That's not quantum physics.  That's stuff that sounds like quantum physics so you can get laid.  

*Copyright Kathleen Adams 2007.  Now stop stealing my jokes.

*She's not brilliant- she's quoting NOVA from last night.

*You can't punish me by ignoring me when I personally can't stand you.  

*That's not your IQ and I can prove it because that's my IQ which makes you an idiot for thinking I'd believe you.  

*You are not laughing out loud.  I can hear you in the next room- no laughter.

*There are so many things wrong with what you just said.  I'm going to start by correcting your grammar then end with exposing your ignorance.  

*Milo couldn't have impregnated your cat because Milo is a tortoise shell.  Tortoise shells are female.  It's a recessive gene that needs two "x" chromosomes in order to manifest...Milo is fixed.