Translate

December 7, 2009

Nancy Bergeson

Nancy, our longtime friend, was recently found strangled to death in her house.  There were U.S. Marshals at her memorial service because she was a public defender for the federal government.  Ironically, she was perhaps the best advocate for her own murderer.


I saved a letter she wrote me when I was in high school because it was so special.  Here's an excerpt (dated April 21st, 1997):

One of the things I like the best about you is your total openness.  You have an amazing ability to naturally and comfortably relate to people, even old fogies like me.  You speak your truth in a simultaneously mature and yet innocent way.  It's an awesome combination, and best of all, it's totally sincere and spontaneous.  You also have great energy.  It's contagious and you are a kick to be around.  

She ended the letter with:

In short, I like you tons, you're a pro, and a totally righteous and awesome human being.  And as we used to say way back in the 60's- 
                                                     stay cool.
                                                   -Nancy Bergeson

I totaled my car that year and got a reckless driving ticket.  Nancy convinced me that I wasn't recklessly driving- I was carelessly driving.  The ticket got thrown out in court.  She also made sure my ten year old sister and her blond West Hills friends knew their Miranda rights.  Also, if a cop ever asks to search their vehicles, ask him where his warrant is. 

Some years ago at the Rose Garden Arena, Nancy waited in line for a half hour to get a beer and they carded her.  She laughed and said, "This is cute, but I'm 47."  She ended up having to wait in line again.

If paradise had a post address, I'd write her a letter telling her that she is an intelligent, dignified, charismatic, tenacious, lady- with a mouth like a trucker, and also a total fox.  Which makes her, ironically, my best advocate.

December 4, 2009

My Awesome Diet


After thirty, they come with ostrich feathers.  
Yesterday I ate split pea soup and a brownie sandwich (it was a sandwich because I put cream cheese between two brownies).  

The day before that, I ate a pepperoni pizza and a batch of brownies.

Before that I ate...crap.  


Fuck you food pyramid.  

November 12, 2009

Suspension


I walked into my high school physics class one day and there was a chair suspended from the ceiling.  The teacher needed a volunteer, and I needed the attention, so I sat in it demonstrating whatever the lesson was.  When I slid off of it, my skirt came up and my underwear could be seen through my sheer black stockings.  The chubby Asian kid in the front row said, "Ewwww!" and blocked his eyes.  Seriously.  He seriously did that.
At least not all chubby boys found teenage Kat repulsive. 

November 10, 2009

Things I Do Well

When I say "Slip into something more comfortable"...I mean footie pajamas.  You cornhusking simpleton. 

*Use grammar decently
*Look cute in pajamas
*Pick friends
*Listen to boring stories
*Pack lunches
*Eat crap
*Memorize boring details
*Remember trivia about the Yankees 
*Lower expectations
*Take the dog out
*Not sleep
*Make salads
*Bartend
*Cake eating contests
*Closet an addiction for almost 9 years.
*Chain smoke
*Love

Things I Do Like Shit

*Drive
*Eat healthy
*Not swear in front of kids
*Nurture
*Pay bills
*Clean my room
*Find my pilates arm band
*Send Christmas cards
*Defend my political views
*Flirt
*Healthy romantic relationships
*Platitudes
*Not overreact
*Wait patiently
*Cut brownies

November 1, 2009

(S)Carolyn


For Halloween I dressed up as my sister.  I'm serious.

October 28, 2009

Wiki-Hair

As I part with my beloved Iggy, he serenades me..."I am the passenger..."

I decided that it was silly to spend money on a haircut when I can simply develop a new talent.  So, I went to WikiHow and looked up how to give myself a haircut.  Sure enough, there were instructions.  I'm going for the "outgrown mullet" look these days.

October 16, 2009

Freshest Catch of the Day!

           
Since two friends of me who are both awesome and attractive have profiles on matchmaking websites, I wondered, "Was I a jerk in assuming that all lonely single people are ugly losers?"  This sparked my curiosity and I had to look.   
     In order to view people, I had to make a profile and they insisted on a snazzy headline.  Since I'm not looking for a good time or the gun show,  I racked my brain for something repulsive.  For extra measure, I added the picture of me eating cheesecake in the morning.  
     They ended up turning down my profile even though my winning headline was, "Wanna Live With A Mother-In-Law?".
     Now I have a dream of creating a bunch of profiles with different horrible headlines to see what kind of weirdos would be interested.  Here are some of my ideas:


* It's The Middle Of The Afternoon And I'm Still In My Bathrobe.
* I'm On Meds I Shouldn't Get Pregnant On.
* I'm Crying While Typing This.
* I Like To Correct People.
* I'm Not Into Lesbian Stuff.
* My Eggs Are Getting Dusty.
* I Feel Sorry For Myself For Being Almost Thirty And Single.
* I Miss Smoking Dope.
* I'll Probably Get Fat Someday.
* I'm Not A Psycho- Otherwise They Wouldn't Have Released Me.
* I'm Not A Fan Of Daily Showers.
* No Fornicators Please.
* I Complain About My Weight, Like, A Lot.
* I Don't Drink But My Standards Are Still Surprisingly Low.
* I Thrive On Male Attention.


Come to think of it, it was the middle of the afternoon when I wrote that, and I was still in the purple bathrobe...oh hell. 




October 11, 2009

Too Long for my Twitter Feed

Today I scooped up a wiggly kid and said, "I remember holding you when you were a baby!"  My friend next to me said, "I bet he was easier to hold back then." and I said, "No, he's easier to hold now.  Because I'm sober."

October 3, 2009

Full of Hot, Filtered Water


People get on my case for not having a "filter" when, indeed, I do have one.  What am I NOT saying?  Mostly it's just correcting people in my head and making zingers that would shame both of us if said out loud.  
Here is some stuff I choked back in the past:

*Turtles don't give birth, you idiot- they leg eggs.  If it gave birth, it'd have, like, 200 nipples.  

*You're not deaf.  I know this because that is not sign language.  That is you flapping your hands around pretending you're signing.  It's about as similar as me pressing a doorbell and saying I'm speaking Vietnamese. 

*Your stories now have officially contradicted each other.  So which time were you lying?

*Yes you said it, and yes it was mean.  I don't need to defend myself, and if you want hallucinations instead of memories, be my guest, but I'm not going to reason with them.  

*It's "between you and me" not "between you and I"!  "Between" is a preposition!  Would you say "between we"? 

* Voluptuous means "sexually arousing" or something, not fat.  And voluptuous was the word you meant when you said, "valumptuous".  


*I think you keep harping on me to work out because you think I need to lose weight.  No one cares about someone else's health that much.  

*Of course he's gay!  It's not homophobic to call someone gay if he's actually gay.  Some people don't have to come out of the closet because they never went in.  

*That's not quantum physics.  That's stuff that sounds like quantum physics so you can get laid.  

*Copyright Kathleen Adams 2007.  Now stop stealing my jokes.

*She's not brilliant- she's quoting NOVA from last night.

*You can't punish me by ignoring me when I personally can't stand you.  

*That's not your IQ and I can prove it because that's my IQ which makes you an idiot for thinking I'd believe you.  

*You are not laughing out loud.  I can hear you in the next room- no laughter.

*There are so many things wrong with what you just said.  I'm going to start by correcting your grammar then end with exposing your ignorance.  

*Milo couldn't have impregnated your cat because Milo is a tortoise shell.  Tortoise shells are female.  It's a recessive gene that needs two "x" chromosomes in order to manifest...Milo is fixed.





   

September 30, 2009

I'm No Master Baker...

I baked a birthday cake for itself.
(to celebrate the first time I baked a decent cake.)
Meta-licious

September 26, 2009

Ten Minutes of Conversation with Mom on the Patio while Trying to Write


(These quotes aren't in order.  But they very well could be.) 
*
Mom:  Why do you need financial aid for school?  What for?
Me:  I don't quite know how to answer that without saying, "Duh."
*
Mom:  Like, do you need tuition?  Living expenses?


Me:  I basically just want that big bill on the table from PSU paid.
*
Mom:  Blah blah blah... (going on about the Ducks game.)
Me:  (quiet for three seconds.)
Mom:  I knew you didn't care.
*
Mom:  Have you heard from...(insert friend's name)?  
Me:  Not in awhile.
Mom:  Oh.  That's too bad.  Their loss.


Me:  Why do you assume that if I haven't heard from someone, I'm being rejected.
Mom:  I don't know.  
*
Mom:  (talking to the dog)  I wish you would tell me when you'd die.  Then I'd know whether or not I should get your teeth cleaned.
*
Mom:  I'm sick of people.  And their things.  They always have things.
Me:  Maybe you should see a relationship counselor.  Then even if you're doing your part, that's still a healthier relationship.
Mom:  I don't have relationships.
Me:  Maybe that's exactly why you need to see a counselor.
*
Me:  You're so funny!
Mom:  I'm so funny!  
*
Mom:  (talking to the dog)  Your mouth smells!  (now talking to me)  Something crawled down his throat and died!
Me:  It didn't die.
*
Mom:  My.  Your keyboard is worn out.  I can tell which keys you type with the most.  They're shiny.
*
Mom:  You're healthy.  In many ways.  (Implying that I am unhealthy.  In many ways.)
*
Me:  There isn't any more coffee.
Mom:  You drank a whole pot!
Me:  I had a cup.  There was a cup left.
Mom:  I made a whole pot!
Me:  Maybe I'm wrong!  Maybe there's more!
Mom:  (checking the coffee)  Oh!  You're not a liar.  The coffee is gone.
Mom:  Eeeew (looking at the patio table in disgust).
Me:  Is that a cricket?
Mom:  I don't know.  Looks like one.
Me:  Do crickets fly?
Mom:  I think they jump.
Me:  Then it wasn't a cricket.
*
Me:  Why do you assume I'll never find love?
Mom:  I think you should-that's the point!  I think a guy should love you and see how wonderful you are!  Get the damn dog off me.

*
Inside that Budget van is my mother, who is, indeed, a handsome woman.